Face Punch

Two interactions that meant one thing but came off as totally different:

1. After the show on Sunday, I walked up to two theater friends. One is directing an upcoming show at the community theater. Months ago he emailed me and asked if I'd help out his step daughter with the poster for the show. I emailed him back and said yes. Told him to send her my email address and have her get in contact with me. I've heard nothing back. At all. So when I see him on Sunday the first thing he says to me, with a big grin on his face, "So you're working hard on that poster, I see. I see you got back to me right away." Or something similar that directly implied that I had ignored his email and it was somehow my fault for not pursuing HIS project after I put the ball back in HIS court.

A New Sort of Monday

I'm having trouble finding closure to String of Pearls. Maybe it's b/c I don't need any. It very well might be that. Normally I find closure through junk food (check) and a well of sentimentality for the past x amount of time and the people I spent it with. That latter is the one I'm having trouble crossing off. We didn't have a cast party, which just mirrors the whole process for us as actors. We were never really given the opportunities to bond. (And I think we would have been an even tighter group given the chance.) I get the sense that the director has done this so long at this point she doesn't really care about that outside stuff. (Or maybe she just didn't feel it with this particular group of people.)

I also know that I'm a mind jumper. I jump from project to project. It took a lot of self control to not emotionally invest in the next thing before this thing was over. And now that it is, my brain is already strategizing how to get shit done.

But that's why I need the closure. Generally with closure I have the sadness, but I also have this lifting sensation. This lightness that swells and I feel I can accomplish anything. I don't have that this time. I don't have the relief. And maybe that's b/c after the Saturday show my parents told me my paternal Grandmother might be dying, and I'm now taking care of their pets while they head south. Maybe that's why I don't have the lightness. When I really analyze it, it feels unconnected somehow, but maybe I'm not *that* self aware.

I don't know. But I do know that before I completely cross it off, before I completely move on to the next thing, I need to assess the experience in its entirety, and make notes of what I learned for next time. (May there be a next time :)

Holy. F*cking. Hell.

I. Am. Finished.

Onto the next thing. And there are many next things. All the best kind.

Goals: 10 month review

We're creeping up into New Years, and it's hard for me not to jump on the resolution bandwagon. (I LOVE resolutions!) But if I did, it'd be like what I always do, quit 80% of the way through. So I may create some work goals for this 2010 but I've only got two more months to pull through here.

In keeping with last month's reorganization:

Big Goals:
15. write, shoot, edit 1 CCP review for YouTube.
Found the script I started writing a few months back. Cleaned it up a bit and sent it on to Z for review. Next steps are to plan images to go with it, shoot it with Z one weekend and edit it together. I wish my hate of seeing myself on camera was less than the want to be decent on camera. (Does that even make sense?)

Christmas

It's strange to me that we're two days from Christmas. I have been completely removed from the whole thing. This is in largest part due to the fact I'm in a show, and the show is kind of my waking and sleeping (with work, exercise and caffeine thrown in the middle). When I'm not thinking about the show (or washing my hands in order to try and stay healthy for the show), I'm thinking about the next film project or that mammoth in the sky, the wedding. Christmas doesn't even squeak in on the radar. Mostly that's been really good. It's meant that I've had exactly zero stress when it comes to this particular holiday. However, now that we're getting closer the creep is setting in, and I'm having to force back the guilt (not getting presents for people) and the regret (not taking part in any celebratory things...like decorating.) It's just laziness that lets these emotions happen. Our family isn't doing presents officially and I've not turned down one holiday party yet. Funny how something like negativity (in its many forms) can be a habit we acquire and then spend a lifetime trying to un-acquire. Like binge eating. Or picking at bad skin.

And on that note, off to finish the work day.

First Weekend Success

Four days off. Four. Glorious. Days. It's going to be hard to pull this back together on Friday night. We're not having a pick up rehearsal, which means I need to run through my lines at least once a night.

We've had great audiences and have not quiet yet made it through seamless, but we're doing a good job. Some areas are stronger than others. But that's how it goes. Normally I'm just not on stage the entire time to see it.

A few people have said that they've liked this show more than Memory of Water. It made me realize that I liked Memory of Water more b/c I got to play a fantastic character. That I was gauging the play from an acting standpoint. In this show, I don't have the fun characters. (Or the ones that really get the laughs.) As one friend pointed out, I'm the straight man in a lot of my scenes. But that's OK. We don't all get to be the funny person every show. And in this show, the woman who has some of those roles, does such a good job with them I'm not even envious. Weird right?

I'm back!

Hello again! I realize that I need mini goals for each night's performance. They may all be the same goals each night but I need something more relevant than, "Don't fuck up."

My favorite part of the whole play process is, well, the process. It's not the performance. So I need to figure out how to keep the process continuing.

So tonight the goals:
Work on....
-channeling nervous energy into character energy.
-listening to what another character is actually saying and reacting to that. Not what I know they will say. Be in the moment.
-when telling stories, really picture the events as if it were a real memory. B/c for your character it is.

Physical attributes:
Tonight I'm going to try and distinguish different movements between two of my characters. I'm just starting with two. I'll add more movement issues in later once I get these down. Nothing grand but I'm going to try and shift where I hold my weight for these two. I have to be careful not to become a caricature. But just something for me to feel like there is a distinction.

Something to think about for future shows: how I feel about one* of my co-actresses in a particular scene. I know in general, but I should be more specific.

So THESE are the things I'm going to work on tonight. This is where I'll focus my energy when I'm flipping out. Just something to give to my brain and say, "Go work on that." Distraction. But the good kind.

*I'm being a bit vague so I don't feel really really obvious when you see the show. It's like the lingerie issue ..only acting.

I'm sucking down Sucrets

There are different techniques for different stages in a production. At first it's learning your damn lines and figuring out how to connect with your fellow actresses on stage. It's breathing (which yet again I've forgotten to implement into a habit). It's knowing when to pick up a picture. When to take back a chair. But I'm finding there is another level of technique, not more or less advanced, that I need to learn. And that's show technique. The technique of acting in front of an audience b/c if you think about it, we've spent the entire run rehearsing in front of no one accept the crew. That is a very different thing than an audience. It's a different approach maybe no necessarily in what you're doing, but how you feel about what you're doing.

Count Down

Tonight was fun. Fun like it should be. People were on. The mood was good. There was a camaraderie thick in the room. We were in it and we were in it together.

This show has been a slow build. For whatever reasons (and I do have theories) our bonding has been slower. Our sense of freedom on stage has been late blooming. But tonight I felt it. We were lost in our characters. People were trying new things as only people who really know their characters can try. It was refreshing and lovely and about fucking time.

So yes. We have only 2 more rehearsals until we open. Open on a night where the weather is threatening freezing rain. And for the first time I'm really excited to share this with people. Get them in the seats and see where they laugh. See where we can take them. And I'm still not certain it's the best show in the world, but I am certain that I really admire the women I'm sharing the journey with. Really eager to stand in a line with them when the lights come up and play.

LA Story

I didn't hate L.A. Solid endorsement, right? But seriously, the driving wasn't as scary as I imagined. We never went over 70, and we could always find parking. It also poured the last day so maybe our trip as a whole wasn't completely representational. But it was a good experience any way you roll it so I sing a resounding "yay."

Before we left, a friend told me to take lots of pictures. I totally planned to. However, um, I failed you b/c I think I took approximately 10. That's not counting the dozen Zach took trying to figure out the exposure problems of my camera. But we didn't really see a whole lot of *things*. Our destinations were people. So if someone asks, "So what did you see?" I'd reply, "Well, we saw a Peter and Danielle, a Yin, Chaz and their many cool friends, and a Josh and Melissa." We saw some beach. We saw a lot of vegetarian food. We saw little sleep.

Final two weeks

Tickets went on sale tonight. More are already gone than I thought. I think that's good. I don't know what I think. Mostly I think I'm sitting really close to some people in Section 3 and that we keep our backs turned way too much to that same section. Mostly I try not to think about those things. Mostly I fail.

I don't know what it was tonight in rehearsal, maybe the fact that one of our actresses added a new accent for the first time or maybe it was because our light guy came in and played around us, but something felt different. There was a sizzle at moments that I hadn't felt yet. There was an, "aaah. There she is" here and there. I don't know what it is yet. B/c we were certainly skipping whole sections of things but yeah, just...something.

I needed that something. I'm still lost in the untethered space. Unsure if this is a good play or a mediocre one. Unsure if I am believable in the slightest. I think the show has it's moments. Some of the actresses really are outstanding and have given some outstanding performances these past weeks of rehearsal. But I still don't know if all of it wrapped together makes a very intriguing story. However, like with seating, I'm done worrying about that. My allegiance lies with 10 women. The 5 on the stage with me and the 5 I've been chosen to play. That is where my energy must focus for these remaining two weeks and then the 8 performances. There and only there.

And tonight, whatever that was we got the glimmer of, I want more of that. :)

Goals: 9 Month Review

It's going to be hard to not just kind of give up on the remainders. Maybe a better tactic is to just pick 1 of the remaining big ones and figure out how to do that one particular thing, and hit it hard Jan 1. The play is kicking my ass time management wise. I don't have the time or energy to work on any of these until after Dec 27th. I kind of feel like I'm dragging my body across the ground toward Dec 27th.

So last ditch goals (some I've shifted)

Big Goals:
15. write, shoot, edit 1 CCP review for YouTube.
I think I can do this. If this is the one I do than that wouldn't be terrible.

11. Design and do photoshoot.-
I think I could do this. It would have to be super simple and involve something like fabric flags.

Well Hello

Every year, and it generally only happens once a year, I have a dream about a childhood ex boyfriend. I think I dated him on and off during 6, 7 and 8th grade. He turned into a serious jerk. I'm sad to think that he takes those traits into his adult life. So I guess last night was the once a year get together. And no it wasn't THAT kind of dream. I think I talked to him in a bar. He mentioned he was getting married. I mentioned I was getting married. I couldn't figure out if he was doing all right. He wasn't sure how he'd get home in that he was drunk as hell. I suggested the bus.

And that was it.

TV Wonderland

I'm watching a lot of Fringe right now due to some bad habits with internet TV. I've noticed in this show, and I'm sure it's true for a lot of television and movies, that on the phone people often have the following change:

Person 1: Hello.
Person 2. Peter?
Person 1: What's wrong.
Person 2: I just think that you should come back [to the lab].

You can take this conversation and translate it across many situations. I understand that it's for suspension. I get its point. It's one of those devices that we totally accept onscreen as a viewer, but would never accept in real life. Here's how it'd go if it was me on the phone.

No it wasn't my flash.

more not really important

I am toootally messing up my sleep hours. (Note time.) At least I have to be up and ready to go by 11am tomorrow. Maybe 10am so I can find the apt floor before my Mom gets here.

Also I'm now addicted to Fringe. This is what happens when Hulu doesn't update the shows I really want, I get hooked on new shows. Evil internet. Evil!

We took photographs again tonight for the poster. They kept telling me to smile larger. Smile larger! This will not end well.

Our Theater Doesn't Do Rain

SOP is not a standard play. People play multiple characters. Those characters spend a lot of time speaking to the audience and not to each other. I'm beginning to see the ramifications of such a show. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are neither the prior two and just are.

1. Cast bonding: there is less of it.
Every cast has it's own feel. I think I can confidently say that now. My first show in '06, I had a director that worked to make sure his cast of 4 women bonded. We had field trips together for Christ sake. It set the bar very high. I've never had a show that was that tight, but my last show, Memory of Water, did have some bond. It may not have been totally positive, but it was there. This show doesn't have that yet, and I'm not sure it will. We are all on stage the entire time so there is no down time between scenes to connect as people. We are always playing characters. We are rarely interacting as back stage confidants or whatever. We are never actresses, we are always acting.

Tonight's Lessons

I need to learn to stay quiet. I'm an over-explainer...most especially in new groups where I'm still uncomfortable and unsure of my place. One of my inner voices needs to have the sole job of bringing down the hatchet when I'm veering into, "too much information" territory. Big or small. GAH.

So today I finally looked at our rehearsal schedule and noticed that in two weeks Monday, we are suppose to be off book. Really? Really truly? B/c that's h i l a r i o u s. HILARIOUS. I have so much to learn in such a short time. Bring on the nightmares!

Interesting

I clicked on this because I thought the title was ridiculous. But oh. So. Interesting. Especially to someone like me who would like a pet but also thinks screwing the environment isn't awesome.

Ecosmackdown: Pets Versus Solar Panels

It could fall slightly into the "two things not really related" category of assessment. But still. I like it.

Baby Steps- SOP

Tonight was the first real rehearsal for SOP. Last night was a read through but mostly some necessary house keeping . Also pictures. You know how I feel about pictures. I don't have high hopes for my shiny spot on the poster. But alas I digress.

Tonight started about as rough as last night started, only instead of getting into some light conflict with the artistic director, tonight I get a call at 7:45 from the AD wondering where I am. See I was suppose to be there at 7:30, which I thought yesterday when they didn't call my name for the Tuesday rehearsal and when I asked about it they joked I hadn't looked at my schedule. Good thing I didn't open that bottle of wine.

Hahahaha

So you know what's hard to do when you lock your car keys AND your phone AND your credit card in your car? Getting stuff on your to-do list done.

Thank GOD I had the good sense to be holding my apt keys or I'd be somewhere out in the rain right now super pissed.

Now excuse me, I have to go harass my boyfriend at work so he can call someone to help me.

*ahem*

Goals: 8 Month Review

So I did this as I usually do. And then I erased most of my comments on my own list and decided I needed to look at it from another perspective. I need to look at the list now as in not what I've done but what I need to do to get it done. B/c I'm almost 29. And I'd like to check some things off!

Just finish already!----------------------------------------------
6. Send 5 birthday cards- Friday Oct 23: Finish and send

15. write, shoot, edit 1 CCP review for YouTube. -Aug Hold
Friday: Find all notes and do a redraft. Make list of what need to find/photographs or otherwise. Shoot November 7th?

21. Call/write my Grandmother once a month.
Oct- Saw her in person. Should start November letter now.
Create list of topics to write about for the next few weeks.
November- San Fran stay: gather decent pics of the stay. Especially ones of Z and I, or just me.

Here we go again- Pearls

I start rehearsing a new show a week from Monday. It's Michele Lowe's String of Pearls. Six women play 20-some roles. I was asked to audition and wasn't thrilled about the script, but I love the director and really respect her work. (Really respect her work.) She offered me a part in the cast and it would have been stupid to turn her down. Now that I've spent more time with the script, I realize it would have been stupid in more ways than one.

With our travels and wedding prep, I've neglected doing the necessary work for these parts. But once the 26th hits, my life will revolve around this show. That's just how theater works. So like the many things that consume my thoughts, I will do a lot of musings here. Some will be about the characters (insights, what I'm trying, what works, what doesn't) and of course probably discussion on the other actresses. It is an all woman show. I like these. I like the atmosphere they create. Throw in one man and everything changes. In the past, I've had really good experiences. I hope I do so again.

Final Day- San Fran

Today we ventured out into Berkeley and I expected everything to look like Eugene only...hippier. It failed on that front. What it didn't fail on was having the UC Berkley campus and The Cheese Board. We ate dinner in what they call the Gourmet Ghetto. So yeah. More later (although not pictures b/c I, of course, didn't take any! Bad habits!)

The things that stuck out most to me about Berkeley were:
1. It felt like fall. At first I thought, "Why do I feel this here but not in San Fran?" Then I realized that leaves were changing colors in Berkeley and they're not in San Francisco. Strange, right?

2. Berkeley doesn't give a damn about pedestrians. Driving in San Fran kind of makes me want to pull over and cry, but that said, those same drivers do not hurry their pedestrians. Cars don't push into the cross walk if the little white man is up. They don't honk you to hurry. They let you walk when your sign says walk. Not so in Berkeley.

So that's the teeny tiny write up of that. There will be a full on synopsis when I get back. Tonight we are throwing the last bits and pieces into boxes, moving plants back across rooms and freaking the hell out of the two cats. Tomorrow we're aiming to be out of here by 8am. After a quick coffee stop, we are on the road. And then we will drive and drive and drive and drive. You can think of us at any time of the day...and we will be driving.

Best Thing All Week

We got the parking spot right outside our building. RIGHT OUTSIDE. This means that tomorrow at 7am when we are hauling and packing and repacking and shuffling we will be in zero threat of some angry tenant wanting to put their car in the driveway we are blocking. When I start to get anxious about anything relating to transition (as I tend to do) I just think about that parking spot we nabbed at 8:15 this morning and I just smile.

And then the rains came

Everyone in San Francisco is talking about the weather. Not b/c they are pretending to be in some polite company but b/c tomorrow it is suppose to rain. No, not just rain, pour. No, not just pour but torrential down pour with flash flooding. And while I've heard people on the bus bandying about 6 inches, other sources say more like 3". Three inches. Of rain. In one day.

Sounds like the type of weather to stay the hell in doors and edit. So perhaps tomorrow I will get some work done...and also finish our Save the Dates. (The non-envelope part b/c ladies and gentlemen, I am suuuuper close :)

Sit Stay

I'm a forward back person. I think there are two types of people. Present Moment people and Forward/Back people. PMs live in the moment. They probably aren't good about keeping in touch. They make you feel like you are the most important thing in their lives when you are standing in front of them but probably show up late to everything and you may not hear from them for 5 months if you happen to live in different cities. FB people dwell on the past and worry about the future. They try and keep in touch (even if they aren't very good at it.) And well my version of it means that it's really hard for me to enjoy a place for very long b/c I'm thinking about the next place.

These are just crack pot theories but I totally believe them.

So we are half way through our stay in San Francisco. Today George a good friend from growing up is driving out from Reno to spend the weekend. (Awesome!) We will do some touristy things and eat burritos. It's hard, though, for me to not think about the things I want to do when we get back to Oregon. Finish Halloween cards. Design invitations. Write a web series. Begin a play (<---gulp).

I have to really force my mind to be here now. And I've known this about myself long enough that I can locate the source of my anxiety and then (mostly) brain-whack it out of me. Rethink my plan and enjoy the city while I can.

Questions for the Day

I'm going to go wander around SanFran while Zach works. I'm working on these questions in my mind:

1. What are the physical traits and personal histories of three of the five women I'll be playing starting in October rehearsals.
Amy- heart surgeon and researcher
Abby- something in finances
Stephanie- Was an architect but now a stay at home Mom.

I have preliminary physical descriptions for two of them. It's the first part of a rough draft. Thank you Richard Avedon exhibit and bus ride home. You were tremendously helpful.

2. What would I wear if I wasn't worried about body size and/or money?

3. General thoughts about a character I'm trying to flesh out for some writing. All I know is her ex husband is named Aaron. Her ex's best friend is named Brian. I still don't have her name or her best friend's name...nor the main character's traits.

Today is like shopping around for personalities in the crowds. I don't get this chance in Corvallis b/c there aren't crowds. What a cool opportunity here in SanFran.

Have a good day ya'll!

Jane Lynch

I love Jane Lynch. She has a great interview on Sound of Young America. You can stream it from the page. It's like 23 minutes long. Love her!

Gabby

Talking Walls

It's strange to step into another person's sanctuary and see how they live. See what a space says about them. I have no desire to snoop, but the pictures on the walls tell story enough. My cousin travels. She has seen the world and recorded her moments in it. A sunset off of an ocean, children carrying baby monkeys and waterfalls. She has a bookshelf nook with statues from what I imagine are the cook islands. They must go with the memory box containing currency, stamps and a palm tree post card from the same place. And then there are the pictures of family. On every surface there is a picture frame or a photograph tucked behind ribbon. Our grandparents, her and her now husband, and everywhere, her mother, who died suddenly, so unexpectedly a few years back. A mother who's absence was felt deeply last weekend when her only daughter was married.

Hello from San Fran (again)

So Zach and I made it. I actually made a Facebook comment, which felt a teeny tiny bit strange. We're currently freaking my cousin's cats out by rearranging rooms and pitching wobbly tables for our computers. I'm not going to worry about the neighbors. (I'm NOT going to worry about the neighbors I'm NOT going to worry about the neighbors.)

*sigh*

No it'll be both fine and great. I'm really determined to make this work. And by "this" I mean working remotely. I'm determined to make that work. Hell, I may get more done here than I do at home, which, well, at this point with the drama in the office the last few days isn't saying much.

Really?

I recently discovered that I have little to no eyelashes on the under eye. I always knew that mascara looked funny down there but thought nothing more of it. Mostly, it just means I get bugs in my eyes all the time while riding a bike. B/c you know what keeps bugs out of your eyes? Under eyelashes.

So imagine my joy when I discovered there is a prescription medication for people like me. And even better, has Brooke Shields (long time sufferer of short lashes?) as their spokesperson. "Latisse- the first and only FDA-approved prescription treatment for inadequate or not enough eyelashes, growing them longer, fuller and darker."

Well thank you Brooke Shields and the people of Latisse. I never knew it was something that I should change about myself. I'll add it to the list.

Newsletter Anxiety

I'm slowly taking over our work newsletter. I use to run a craft/mixed media one but that is now more or less defunct. However in prep for Mom's retirement (eeek!) I've asserted myself into our main newsletter. It goes out to about 6,000 people, and even though we check the sucker 1 million times before it leaves, I still *hate* hitting the send button. I'd like to think this will eventually go away...but it's been like 8 issues now and it still is there. Vibrantly annoying.

Three Things Shower Water Sounds Like

I'm always trying to figure out tastes, but rarely am I trying to figure out sounds. Shower water against my skin sounded like:

1. A faster version of the standard car alarm off in the distance. Or maybe a siren but on fast forward just a wee bit.
2. Steaming milk for a latte.
3. Large group of water birds chirping at take off. I picture one of those National Geographic pictures of a big lagoon where a thousand birds take off and there is a frenzy of sound.

I think there must have been a squeak as the water pushed through the shower head. That's the only way I can reason 1 and 3.

Brain Mush

We made it back to my parents' driveway by 3am this morning. I suggested Z sleep in. The allure of coffee got me up at 8. This was a mistake. I'm making arm/hand coordination problems on my computer. (THE COMPUTER!) Also that coffee? Awful. And I'm going to drink it anyway.

So hello! It's always strange how when you're gone for a few days it can feel like months. I look at everything in my parents' refrigerator and just assume it's been bad for weeks. No, Kelly, you were just here on Wednesday. Calm down.

There isn't a ton to say about SanFran. Or maybe there is. I wasn't excited for the 2 Week Stay (next week) for about 30 minutes while Z and I sat in the crowded CA terminal. But then a few hours later as we whizzed down the I-5 I was again ignited with how cool this opportunity is. We saw my cousin's apt and it's seriously awesome and in a seriously awesome neighborhood. There are two Noah's Bagels AND two papyrus card shops, both within walking distance. There is a PaperSource nearby. And an independent movie theater. Seriously? I know it's just what I love about Portland neighborhoods, but I don't live in Portland. This is a serious treat for me!

Also my cousin's cats are hilarious. One should be a persnickety cartoon in a children's book. She'd be drawn as a pair of eyes following you back and forth but her body would be invisible. Just these eyes and maybe a tail coming out of a rundown chair.

Hello From San Fran

Z and I are down here for my cousin J (girl)'s wedding. I can't tell if I'm exhausted this morning from all the walking yesterday in bad shoes or because we got up at 4:40 yesterday morning to catch our flight. Either way I'm slow to wake up but will be totally excited for the free roof garden walking tour Z found for us at 10.

(There is a language outside my door I've never heard before. If I wasn't half dressed I'd rush out and investigate. Cool!)

When traveling I face two main inner obstacles: general travel exhaustion and laziness. I'm never quite sure where my decision making falls on that line. One thing I love about Z is that he's just ready for anything when traveling. I tire out a little more quickly and for example while I think it's good I slept in this morning, he's off trying to find delicious bread for us...and I kind of wish I was part of the adventure.

Add family and my laziness (mixed with a nice blend of family aversion) goes waaaay up. Last night after first open wine drinking (I did not drink) and trekking through the city for my parents' first try at Indian food, I just wanted to come home and curl up in an isolation holding cell. Today I have to make it through a wedding and a reception, which other than the family dynamics, I'm reeeeally excited for.

But maybe here's the lesson: tomorrow I'll get up early and tag along on whatever adventure Z is inclined to take.

Goal Review (7 months!)

Holy mother of something. I'm on month 7. I'm practically through month 8! No more caffeine today, OK?

Here we go!

1. Pay $1500 in school loans-
Sept- Still on schedule...yet behind on wedding savings. Oh yay! Something new to try and save for! (No more BUYING caffeine in $5 cups of awesome! Except for tomorrow morning when you're getting to a max airport station at 5:45 AM <---really AM!) 2. Create at least $500 cushion in bank account
Sept- I read somewhere that using your credit card is safer from an identity theft standpoint. That said, it is LESS SAFE from a I-spend-way-too-much and (breath) a credit-card-makes-me-feel-invincible.
Aug- I am not on schedule but I'm now putting at least $200 away into a savings account. It's safer that way. I have access when I need it but I won't get week in a Michaels and lose the cushion.

Me Again

We're reading a guide to email marketing for the holiday season. We're having a big Christmas marketing meeting tomorrow (which I dread btw...these things are killer.) This booklet originally really excited me. Yay! Finally a researched guide! Perfect! But then when it has headers, which I'm assuming are suggestions, like "Target High-Volume Shopping Days" I begin to wonder. Because the information after such a headline isn't based on "these companies targeted these days and saw greater return." Instead it's, "Here's the number of retailers sending emails this particular day so you should do it too."

And that's it. It's stats on what other people did but not the outcomes of what they did. This is a trap I see people fall into all the time for all sorts of things but I see it most significantly in web 2.0 marketing. Other people are doing it may mean it's working, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's working.

*sigh.

Things Learned While Camping

(Not necessarily in order of importance)

1. I should wash everything when I get home. The nose acclimates to the smell of campfire, and campfire on clothing reeks. It's not woody elm smell. It's like you and 14 other smokers shared a bunker for the weekend.

2. I don't like Coors lite.

3. As much as you like the idea of powdered soy milk, it is actually going to be as bad as Zach tells you it is.

4. I don't like peeing in the woods. This may be in the TMI category, but I love being removed from people. I love waking up absurdly early due to sunlight and going to bed absurdly early due to sun set. I love so many things about trees and lakes. However, something in my body turns off when I know I have to go wander into the woods to use a bathroom. Fluids come in but they don't come out. Yep, I'm telling you more than you needed to know about my body. But seriously. It goes into lock down mode. Give me a pit toilet.

5. Water filtering things are cool!

6. Not having to worry about poison oak and mosquitoes makes any trip awesome. We totally hacked our way partially around a lake and besides almost biting it a couple times, I loved hacking through without abandon. Yay!

7. I'm self conscious about my greasy hair only the first day. Day two sans shower I don't care.

8. Holding weight on your back is easier when there is nothing in your hands.

9. The forest is not the type of place I like to take pictures. It isn't super conducive to macro photography.

10. I have nightmares even in the forest.

Update: Update: US Government has terminated it's contract with the Rendon Group.

Title says it all.

This isn't 2005, right?

It's always strange for me to hear government officials saying things and doing things I only assumed they said and did under Bush. On "On The Media" a few weeks ago (I'm listening to podcasts at work right now) they were talking about how the military has hired a firm, the Rendon Group, to grade individual reporters in war zones. They give them a positive, neutral or negative rating based on how favorably they've reported the war. This is happening now. In 2008. One reporter wasn't allowed to embed back in and his report said, "“Despite the opportunity to visit areas of the city where Iraqi Army leaders, soldiers, national police and Iraqi police displayed commitment to partnership, Mr. Druzin refused to highlight any of this news.” Maybe he also killed kittens. They didn't mention that.

And then to have the spokesperson for the U.S. forces in Afghanistan Lieutenant Commander Christine Sidenstricker say,"We've never graded reporters, and the information we get from Rendon doesn't do so. The information we were contracted with them to provide is basic biographical details and the past stories reporters have done. Now, sometimes those do include a positive, negative or neutral rating, which we do get. Frankly, we don't use that information."

Well, yeah.

(Sources: On the Media Aug 28, 2009)

He's Fine.

I began thinking about my vows on the bike ride in this morning. One of the things I hope to do for Zach is to be healthy. I promise him that I will take care of myself physically and mentally so that I can be around as long as possible for and with him. This idea isn't a new one to me, but this morning it had particular importance because this morning at 7:30 I got a call from my Mom saying that while everything was fine, Dad was in the hospital.

Dad threw out his back two weekends ago. Then Saturday he did it again. Just by bending over. Nothing more. And this is the insidious thing about a pulled back. So Mom plopped him down in the guest room with a book and a remote control.

This morning Dad tried to get up for his usual routine and around 6:30 I guess he told Mom that he was blacking out. She said he was holding his chest and his eyes were rolling up back in his head. She called an ambulance and when I got the 7:30 call, she was at the hospital. I guess he's in serious pain but can still crack totally stupid jokes. (Ah Dad.)

After she got home around 9am, the hospital called and said they want to keep him for 24 hours to watch his heart. It wasn't a heart attack as far as I know (it was probably severe pain and dehydration) but I guess it's always a little irregular and since he's there, they want to keep an eye on him.

So what does this have to do with health? My dad isn't healthy. Genetics (and testosterone) have been good to him and only in the last 5-7 years has he really had to watch his weight. He doesn't understand the real reason to eat a vegetable. (Even I'm fairly new to this form of thinking.) Health doesn't actually have anything to do with size. Health has to do with health. Sometimes size may make a comment about health, but health is still it's own thing. You can be skinny and still unhealthy.

Dad is no longer skinny, but he's not as heavy as he should be for how he treats his body. He's hard on it. He physically works like a mad man for 8 hour days during the weekends, but then sits at a computer the rest of the week. He eats peanut butter and tater tots for meals. He drinks just a little too much beer.

I love peanut butter and beer. But unlike my Dad I'm not going to fight my partner when they suggest I eat a green bean. Marriage is about commitments, and one of them is the physical. We get so wrapped up in the vanity of our bodies. "I hope I don't grow fat so that you still find me desirable" or some other crap. It should be, "I promise to try and eat real meals with real nutrients so we have the best odds possible at longevity."

Health is hard. It's really fucking hard. But work on it not to fit some ideal, but because you owe it to your friends and family. I owe it to my friends and family. Who knows if this is a wake up call for Dad. However, it may be part of my wake up call.

Lessons of the Week (and it's only Tuesday)

Lessons of the week:
1. When I tell Z an idea and he makes a comment like, "You need to figure out how to store it before you start or you'll end up having them everywhere," I need to tell him I agree instead of laugh. For me a single (or triple) chuckled is the outside version of the inside, "Oh shit he's totally right." But it comes off as me dismissing the feedback. It leads to fighting.

2. When I work on projects whether they be email newsletters for work or tiny trailers for local theater groups, I need to be thorough and focused on whatever it is I'm working on. I don't need to finish the whole thing at the first sitting, but I need to finish whatever aspect it is I've started. When I do something half way and then walk away with the idea of returning to it later, well, it's a recipe for disaster.

Instead have an overall plan and then do small chunks completely. If that's the newsletter it means I write an article and make sure I've checked grammar and name spellings and links to the best of my ability before I send it on.

For tiny trailers, it means if I'm doing 3 versions, I take one version at a time and follow the storyboard they've drawn and then make that the best it can be before I call it quits for the night. If I throw the clips together but then don't finesse it a bit, I will just be embarrassed about my work later. Or, in terms of the newsletter, I will have to revisit small changes a million times in the back and forth of suggestions from my co-workers as they catch my careless mistakes.

3. Finish side projects for third parties (especially ones with deadlines) before making up work hours. You (me) will feel less guilty overall.

Goal Review (6 months!)

So here we are. Six months until I turn 29. The big Half Way. On that melodrama-inspired note, let's get started.

1. Pay $1500 in school loans-
Aug- I'm on schedule. I will pay that bad boy (amt) off.
July- Now I'm at the $500 mark. That said I'm basically staying on a budget and everything else is going into a wedding. OK, not true, but maybe should be true.

2. Create at least $500 cushion in bank account
Aug- I am not on schedule but I'm now putting at least $200 away into a savings account. It's safer that way. I have access when I need it but I won't get week in a Michaels and lose the coushin.
July- I have like a whopping $1000 in my bank acct. But this is b/c Paypal charged me a bunch of money to pay Zach and so he declined the payment. I now owe him oooh, $1000 for rent and plane tickets.

3. Attain 2 octave singing scale
Aug- I'm finally back to full voice capacity. I'm taking off singing goals. I have enough others. This seems ill defined and arbitary. (Just started learning New York state of Mind last week. I like it.)
July- Being sick has decimated singing. I got over June's head cold from hell. Now I've got something else. Gah.


4. (I'm cutting this b/c it's been completed.) (Musical audition)

5. Finish writing 1 song with accompaniment. (Guitar and/or piano)-
Aug- Huge strides here. Wrote a third song ("ALoveSong") but have heard nothing back from Paul on it. I guess that means he's not as excited as the last one. Paul and I worked on "Your Everything" and we have a track layed down. Now it's back in my court to perfect vocals and figure out a (G*damn) bridge. I will work on this while I'm driving all over the valley this week. Score!
July- Sent off a song to a local acquaintance. He's an actual musician. He replied and the next move is mine. Needs to set a bit. Hard to work on music when I can't sing.
june-Been working on this. Slow and steady. Getting close on a couple. Close doesn't actually mean close but I'm making progress on a couple. Maybe have found a way to get help.

6. Send 5 birthday cards- ON TIME
Aug- I totally failed with Nikola's card. Oh I made one...but it was ugly. So it didn't get sent. Still plan on making her one. Emily too. (Hello Emily!)
July- I'm done with this. Wait, Nikola. Hmmmm.....OK, so I'm almost done with this!
(May 9 change of goal.)
(June 24 change- 5 is enough. Cross the sucker off your list but still try and send people cards.)

7. Send cards for one holiday-
Aug- I'm soooo excited about Halloween cards. I can start working on them in September!!!
July- Take THAT Halloween. Today I unearthed (and I do mean unearthed) those suckers. Oct 1 I will start writing. Oct 20th I will send them on their merry ways. !!!
June-I've been trying to find the Halloween cards I started last year. They might be gone. This royally sucks b/c they were a lot of work. Also I really liked them. *sigh*

8. Pursue art/design/craft/collage: figure out specifics and how to gauge-
Aug- CUT! Or change it to wedding goals. Hmmmm.....
July- I say screw this. I don't know how to gauge.
June-Still unsure of what this means.

9. Get through 5 drafts of 3 shorts total (includes at least 3 people writing comments on each draft.)-
Aug- No progress
July- no progress anywhere.
June-(These names won't make sense to you probably but are for my records:)
Zach's Taco Shack- Draft 1 complete (3 people have viewed and commented) How can I design a set for this?
Phone Calls- Still rough drafting
Car Faith- Found draft an dam working.
Happy Birthday- rough Draft 1.
Cranes- Story board draft 1 complete.

June:
You're Paranoid short: had 3 people review. This would be filmable. We'd have to mock police lights and find a uniform.

10. Learn Flash
Aug- Hold!
July- After maybe having the book for 3 months I finally returned it to the library. Flash learn'n is on hold.
June-I'm on chapter 8 or 18 or something. I should try and make like Tuesday after frisbee my Flash night.

11. Design and do photoshoot.-
July- This is a winter project.
June-Gathering ideas for this.

12. Direct music video.-
Aug- I have an idea I'm really excited about for "Your Everything" but it's an outside idea. Maybe I need to switch it to an inside one and plan for winter.
July- My test for the video I discussed below was a total fail. Not sure how to proceed. Or if I should proceed. Or really much of anything.
June-In May I think I decided that I was going to do a Flash animation music video for this but now I think I might try and do something from a song a man here in town wrote. I don't know how to categorize it. It's not pop. It's not folk.

13. Shoot a short.
Aug- I may cut this. I should try and do this OR the music video. I should probably try and do this in that the music video is suuuper complex. BUT I did come up with a super short short idea and it's filmable inside. It needs music. It's very heavily dependent on music.
July: Need to do something more than just write those first drafts.
June: Need to write those drafts first.
May: Need to write those drafts first.


14. Write, create, shoot, edit super short stop motion-
Aug- Take THAT number 14!!! Building and shooting complete! Rough draft edit COMPLETE! Need to figure out a plan for all the sound effects I'll need. (!!!)
July- This weekend was suppose to be the weekend I did this. It's now been moved to August.
June-Working on this as much as time allows. I'm figuring out today which weekend I can pull aside and finish building and start shooting. This may not be done until August or September.

15. write, shoot, edit 1 CCP review for YouTube. -
Aug- Hold!
July- no progress
June: Drafted a version. Need to redraft the words and begin building the set. Memorize as well I suppose.
May: I've got a quarter of this entire process finished. I watched the video and did artwork. This is on back burner until #16 is over.


16. (Officially finished )Edit CCP vid under craftcat brand.


17. Learn to cook 5 vegan entrees.
Aug- hold!
July-nada
Cooked two recipes last week. One was excellent. One was not excellent. I need to cook again but probably won't happen until next week.
May: Banana empanadas
June: nothing to add. I've not cooked in a looong time. Although I made some really excellent non vegan sopes recently. Delicious!

18. No bed piles.
Aug- *cough*
July- the bed piles were removed today.
June-The bed piles are back.

19. Learn congressional committee chairs and cabinet members.
Aug- Still mostly doing cheat sheets.
July- still trucking. Missing some of the cheat sheets but doing around 3 a week.
June-OK, so instead I'm changing this to read the Cheat Sheet from Daily Beast every day. It's not much, but it's something. Have I mentioned I hate politics?

20. (Removed from list in June)

21. Call/write my Grandmother once a month.
Aug- Big time fail.
July- Dad sent her the proposal video. That should so count, right?
June- This is sort of verging on fail as well. *sigh*

22. Thank You cards for birthday presents.
Aug- GAH!!!!
July- GAH!!!
June-GAH!

23. (removed from list)

24. (May 9th add) Write rough draft 1 of a feature screenplay.
Aug- no progress, but maybe I'll work on this this weekend.
July: no progress
June: No progress.
May: I've got one in mind and have started outlining in my mind but nothing more than a story plot is committed yet to paper.

Food

It's always strange to come home from working on the food preservation shoots. Last night Zach and I hauled everything into the barn for the final time on this project and then pulled our tired bodies home. It was 3 days of fascinating conversations. Three days of relearning food and rethinking the way we live.

These shoots, while stressful, have an element of magic to me. As if someone pulls out a pouch and says, "Here is your peoples' lost ancient wisdom." I don't think it was some master plot but at some point we got hoodwinked. We were told enough times that food was too complex and too tiresome that we had no time for its art. That that knowledge was neither desirable nor necessary. Did you know that you can make pickles w/o even boiling them? Or that cabbage has vitamin C and you can make sauerkraut that sits out on a counter (no need for refrigeration) with merely salt and water? Or that some apples late in the season can be "cellared" and last the whole winter?

Me neither.

I had this realization that if I wasn't so obsessed with my weight I would drastically change how I eat. I don't eat for health, I eat for size. (An expanding one at this point so maybe I have nothing to lose :) Yes I drink diet coke because I am mentally and physically addicted but also because it's something I can have without calories. But what the hell am I putting in my body? It's a filler for something that could actually be feeding my body. And I am a glutton for packaged foods. There is something about the bright lights of a 7-11 that really evokes a childlike joy. But Jesus. If all it takes is salt and water to make kraut, what unnecessary crap am I putting in my body when I buy one off the shelf?

When you begin to think about all the extras put into our food so that it can be made with bad ingredients en mass and then survive shipping and shelf life, it doesn't matter if we're buying it at whole foods or safeway, we are buying inferior products. We are feeding our bodies a lot of unnecessary crap. I'm not saying it's going to cause something like cancer, but it's unnecessary. And it's created a system that is wholly bad.

Rambling, yes. But I hope this time coming home I can hold on to some of the lifestyle choices I saw our host live. And I hope I can begin to shift my eating away from processed and packaged and more into real ingredients. Actual food.

Shooting is now officially finished! (And was a few hours ago but I was editing and then watching Hulu while my brain cooled off.)

Woohoo! Now time to take it all down. A lot of work for like 6 total hours of shooting and what will be a minute final project.

(Also, I slept on the floor last night under a large piece of felt.)

sleep

This is brief b/c I'm going to fall asleep typing. I didn't go back and work on animation after the meeting BUT the meeting went REALLY well. I will be playing 5 characters with accents (oh accents, *squeal!*) from French to Bostonian to New Yorker to mid westerner. So exciting. I already checked out the four apt dialect cds. Also, I'm excited to work with the other women cast. There's another 28 year old who's into art. She looks like an artist. Or she looks like what I think an artist should look like. Also she seems cool.

On a side note, it's always interesting for me to see people's careful reactions when I ask them what type of art they do. They give really measured responses b/c they are use to people asking but not use to people understanding what they give as an answer. I always want to say, "yes yes yes but what TYPE of art do you do?" and get into an actual conversation.

Animation Update

Why does this kind of work always take longer than it should?

I've been working today now almost 7 hours on the set build and it still feels so far from completion. The mistakes are starting to show and I can feel myself losing patience. The three main components I have left are a US Postal truck, a mail box and the letter itself. Oh and putting the main character back together again. His torso fell apart. See? Hot glue only lasts so long and I literally started the main guy back in May or perhaps earlier even. With magnets I know I can construct a better torso (so it might be good he fell apart in the long run) but right now my brain is too tired to come up with creative solutions, and I'm worried I'll hurt him more. So I'm taking a break. I'll go pet cats. Lay out in the sun. At 6:30 I'll drive back to Corvallis for a 7pm meeting. After that's over (for the love of God hopefully no later than 9) I'll head back here and finish constructing. I really think I can make it.

Animation Nation

So this weekend I may have coated my lungs with a fine layer of spray paint. Spray paint, I might add, that melts Styrofoam. How do you decide you're not going to use a certain color on a tiny stop motion house? When the color begins to melt your walls, that's how.

So I've not accomplished nearly as much as I should. If I had had a schedule I'd be behind. But things always pop up. Like I decided to make a tree. Hot gluing individual pieces of yarn onto a wire frame apparently takes awhile. If I had been keeping track I could have told you how many NPR podcasts it takes to make a yarn tree, but alas I cannot.

So tomorrow I'm jogging at 6:45 and will hopefully be back at the studio no later than 8:30. I still have mailboxes, eyes, and houses to finish but I'm infinitely closer than I was on Thursday night when this all began. (Actually many many Thursday nights ago this began.)

Tomorrow will still probably be almost entirely a build day. If I get my first shot off on Tuesday morning I'll probably be fine. Wednesday it's back to work...and my parents even in their infinite resilience to my crap have their limit. Also, hot glue doesn't last forever. I had to repair major parts of my main character due to hot glue decay.

Oh also, I cut my finger in my paper cutter. Nothing severed. But. The joint of my left thumb is going to hurt like a mother tomorrow. Luckily I didn't have to retrieve any of my skin off of the blade. Also luckily it happened on one of the last slices for the white picket fence.

So on that note! Good night.

A Chicken in a Road

I've never been an anti meat vegetarian. I don't make snide comments. I don't get grossed out by chicken on fine display. I have my opinions and I keep them mostly quiet unless brought out by thoughtful conversation. And I've been totally fine with the fact that my parents are slowly heading back into meat. They have the occasional tuna salad sandwich. They eat the luncheon meats we get for visiting artists. My dad can enjoy a salmon or steak at a restaurant. BUT. I was dumbfounded (DUMBFOUNDED) by the giant tub of Kentucky Fried Chicken that greeted me upon opening my parents' refrigerator this morning. Kentucky Fried Chicken? Really?

Speechless.

(But not so speechless that I can't confess that the fries I had with my veggie burger meal at Burger King last night were delicious!)

*sigh*

Just a tiny note

I'm going to my reunion tonight.

I am a little scared.

I've had 2 nightmares since I decided to go.

I decided to go on Wednesday.

But I'm bringing alcohol.

Everything will be fine.

Dinner

Here's the problem with being lazy. You distract yourself eating grapes during the 3:30 you decide it should take the matzo ball soup to heat in the microwave. You stick your finger in and make sure it's warm enough. Then you carefully carry the whole thing down a flight of stairs, out a few doors, in a few doors and you make it safely to your office where you will partake in the dinner ritual. But when you take your first sip, you discover a lukewarm temperature. Lame. But what's more lame? Walking back through those doors, up those stairs and then distracting yourself with something else long enough to get it to cook the right time. So instead you write this. And lukewarm becomes down right chilly and dinner is served.

The difference a day (or 3) make

It's funny how events can turn in just a matter of days. (Oh nothing ominous btw.)

So for those of you who don't know, I dabble in music writing. I'm a perpetual beginner in guitar. At some point I'll probably be able to call myself a vocalist (although you'll never witness it at karaoke) and well, I write a lot of bad lyrics. And have for as long as I can remember.

Goal number 5 on my 28th year is to write a song complete with lyrics and notes. Ideally I'd take one of those completed songs and make a music video, but I'm getting ahead of myself in this story.

For a long time, music has been something I've held extremely close. I didn't share at all. Many forms of art I am happy to share with an inner circle. Story ideas. Film ideas. Installation art ideas. Craft ideas. Card ideas. But nothing about music. You'd hear me sing way before you'd hear something I wrote. Until this last week, I could count on two fingers the number of people who have heard my own lyrical/musical work.

But this is slowly changing. Or rather quickly it's changing. It's amazing how a small turn of events and really the mythical being in the right place at the right time can change things. Again, nothing momentous in the grand scheme of things, but to me, wholly a big deal.

Tomorrow at around 7:30 pm, for the first time in my life I am going to be collaborating face to face with someone on a song that I wrote. Monday this #5 was a far flung goal probably to be extricated from the list. Today it is turning quickly into something that will most likely happen.

The term adventure has been high jacked by global backpacking treks, extreme sports, and anything involving a gun. I think that's a shame. Because the adventure I've felt this last week- sharing a part of me I normally hide and jumping headlong into something that is completely unknown- that's exactly the kind of adventure I want in my life.

(OK all of that said, it'll be awhile until you hear anything :)

Z Vision

A friend recently reminded me of the term, "Sunday Blues." Maybe last night was just that. Sunday. Your week is about to begin.

But then I went on a jog (Oooo.K., a walk) with Z, and I talked to him about the goals list. The one that got me most frustrated was the $1500 toward school loans. And he's really excellent at pointing out what should be the obvious, but totally isn't until it's just stated. The conversation went like this:
"I feel like all my money should go to wedding stuff and I'm not sure about the money goals."
"Well what are they?"
"One is paying $1500 to loans."
"And you don't think you can do that."
"Well right now I pay $100 a month and that's great but I don't feel like I can do a whole lot more."
"Does the $100 a month count toward the $1500?"
"Yeah."
"Then you'll have $1200 by February. That's only $300 below your goal. You could use your Christmas bonus easily for this."
Suddenly the math made sense. "Or like $50 extra a few months."
"You can totally meet that one."

Today my Mom slapped down a chunk of change for when I house sat a few months back. Z pointed at it and said, "This could go to that $1500."

And wallah. I have no idea where I got this idea that I couldn't meet the $1500 goal. Because I can. Easily.

Sometimes he makes things so incredibly clear.

Goals (5 month review)

Wow. So next month it'll be six months. *sigh*

(Warning: typos abound.)

1. Pay $1500 in school loans-
July- Now I'm at the $500 mark. That said I'm basically staying on a budget and everything else is going into a wedding. OK, not true, but maybe should be true.
June- I think I'm at the $400 mark. Waaay behind schedule. This isn't going to happen. I'll get about $1000 tops. Should I cross it off completely or just keep admitting failure?

2. Create at least $500 cushion in bank account
July- I have like a whopping $1000 in my bank acct. But this is b/c Paypal charged me a bunch of money to pay Zach and so he declined the payment. I now owe him oooh, $1000 for rent and plane tickets.
June-It's not in my bank account but it's in checks I've written to myself. (They pull it out of the account and send you the check.) Although, I'm going to Portland this weekend and might cave and cash one.

3. Attain 2 octave singing scale
July- Being sick has decimated singing. I got over June's head cold from hell. Now I've got something else. Gah.
June-Singing is going reeeally well. Accept the current head cold from hell, I've been making a ton of progress. I love Jazz. I can't express this enough. Current songs:
Black Coffee
God Bless the Child
Angel Eyes
Just starting: After Your Gone

4. (I'm cutting this b/c it's been completed.) (Musical audition)

5. Finish writing 1 song with accompaniment. (Guitar and/or piano)-
July- Sent off a song to a local acquaintance. He's an actual musician. He replied and the next move is mine. Needs to set a bit. Hard to work on music when I can't sing.
june-Been working on this. Slow and steady. Getting close on a couple. Close doesn't actually mean close but I'm making progress on a couple. Maybe have found a way to get help.

6. Send 5 birthday cards- ON TIME
July- I'm done with this. Wait, Nikola. Hmmmm.....OK, so I'm almost done with this!
(May 9 change of goal.)
(June 24 change- 5 is enough. Cross the sucker off your list but still try and send people cards.)

7. Send cards for one holiday-
July- Take THAT Halloween. Today I unearthed (and I do mean unearthed) those suckers. Oct 1 I will start writing. Oct 20th I will send them on their merry ways. !!!
June-I've been trying to find the Halloween cards I started last year. They might be gone. This royally sucks b/c they were a lot of work. Also I really liked them. *sigh*

8. Pursue art/design/craft/collage: figure out specifics and how to gauge-
July- I say screw this. I don't know how to gauge.
June-Still unsure of what this means.

9. Get through 5 drafts of 3 shorts total (includes at least 3 people writing comments on each draft.)-
July- no progress anywhere.
June-(These names won't make sense to you probably but are for my records:)
Zach's Taco Shack- Draft 1 complete (3 people have viewed and commented) How can I design a set for this?
Phone Calls- Still rough drafting
Car Faith- Found draft an dam working.
Happy Birthday- rough Draft 1.
Cranes- Story board draft 1 complete.

June:
You're Paranoid short: had 3 people review. This would be filmable. We'd have to mock police lights and find a uniform.

10. Learn Flash
July- After maybe having the book for 3 months I finally returned it to the library. Flash learn'n is on hold.
June-I'm on chapter 8 or 18 or something. I should try and make like Tuesday after frisbee my Flash night.

11. Design and do photoshoot.-
July- This is a winter project.
June-Gathering ideas for this.

12. Direct music video.-
July- My test for the video I discussed below was a total fail. Not sure how to proceed. Or if I should proceed. Or really much of anything.
June-In May I think I decided that I was going to do a Flash animation music video for this but now I think I might try and do something from a song a man here in town wrote. I don't know how to categorize it. It's not pop. It's not folk.

13. Shoot a short.
July: Need to do something more than just write those first drafts.
June: Need to write those drafts first.
May: Need to write those drafts first.


14. Write, create, shoot, edit super short stop motion-
July- This weekend was suppose to be the weekend I did this. It's now been moved to August.
June-Working on this as much as time allows. I'm figuring out today which weekend I can pull aside and finish building and start shooting. This may not be done until August or September.

15. write, shoot, edit 1 CCP review for YouTube. -
July- no progress
June: Drafted a version. Need to redraft the words and begin building the set. Memorize as well I suppose.
May: I've got a quarter of this entire process finished. I watched the video and did artwork. This is on back burner until #16 is over.


16. (Officially finished )Edit CCP vid under craftcat brand.


17. Learn to cook 5 vegan entrees.
July-nada
Cooked two recipes last week. One was excellent. One was not excellent. I need to cook again but probably won't happen until next week.
May: Banana empanadas
June: nothing to add. I've not cooked in a looong time. Although I made some really excellent non vegan sopes recently. Delicious!

18. No bed piles.
July- the bed piles were removed today.
June-The bed piles are back.

19. Learn congressional committee chairs and cabinet members.
July- still trucking. Missing some of the cheat sheets but doing around 3 a week.
June-OK, so instead I'm changing this to read the Cheat Sheet from Daily Beast every day. It's not much, but it's something. Have I mentioned I hate politics?

20. (Removed from list in June)

21. Call/write my Grandmother once a month.
July- Dad sent her the proposal video. That should so count, right?
June- This is sort of verging on fail as well. *sigh*

22. Thank You cards for birthday presents.
July- GAH!!!
June-GAH!

23. (removed from list)

24. (May 9th add) Write rough draft 1 of a feature screenplay.
July: no progress
June: No progress.
May: I've got one in mind and have started outlining in my mind but nothing more than a story plot is committed yet to paper.

Normally this inspires me to get me moving and I can't decide whether this time it's inspiring or annoying. Really I think I need to reassess which of these I actually want to accomplish in the next 7 months and then create some sort of strategy.

Dance Class: Night 1

So Z and I stepped into our first night of ballroom swing. It's not wedding related at all. I was a little hesitant b/c our dance experiences in the past haven't been what you could call stellar. (Also, not for lack of trying on both our parts.)

So Z's Mom got us swing lessons for one holiday or another. (Totally sweet gesture.) And tonight we go. There are 5 pairs, a single man, and the instructor Dave. Age wise there is a younger group and an older group. One married couple, a few unmarrieds and a couple that met in another dance class. Basically our ending assessment of night 1 is that two hours of dance steps is waaaay too much to go through in a night. I'm a follow, so I don't do a whole lot more than follow. But the leads. Wow. It is really a lot to take in. Especially if you don't have experience in any other forms of dance. It's a lot.

That said, Z did smashingly. He may not feel it, but he didn't dance with the other leads so he only has himself to compare himself to. He's some beginner troubles but nothing that can't get better with simple practice. It's kind of exciting. I don't know if we'll ever be a dancing couple, (neither of us really cares to be) but I think if nothing more the class will be a really fun event to go to each week. And then we'll get to practice together around our living room. All and all a huge success from my point of view. It's one of the few times I've taken a class with a guy and been excited to dance with him. It's just so much more fun with him than with any of the other guys.

I'm sorry if my optimism is confusing this morning, but I think this will be great!

What a clusterf**k

The last 2 hours of work has literally been following a single strand through an evil nest of knots.Trying to get it untangled from everything it and all the other strands have created. Meanwhile, part of the knot ball is on fire and a bird is circling above threatening to poop on you.

No that doesn't make sense, but the subject line does. A giant family business clusterf**k.

That's all I got. The other part will be sorted out on the various genre blogs.

Also, from now on we are taking notes at our meetings and Z and I will try not to be jerks when my parents start in on an idea as if it'd never been thought of, and yet, we have years (YEARS) of the exact pending conversation. The memory is one big cruel trick.

Tools of the Trade

Morning

We spent all morning trying to save the 3rd baby hummingbird, which our adolescent male cat managed to not kill. The other siblings died earlier before we had a chance to act. It doesn't matter sometimes how even if you pull the latter around and snuggle in a lid into a high plank and place the baby delicately on a perch can you change the course of a day. Because if a baby can't fly it will fall. And there is only so much you can do when searching inside a giant bush for a teeny tiny nest that may or may not exist there. Some days all you can do is try and then go lock up all the felines, go back into your office, close your door and know that what you did probably mattered zero.

Language of Living

Everything we do has consequence. Some good. Some bad. But really most unseen. I looked in the mirror last night and laughed when I thought that every pound on me is from some choice I made at some point. My body is in many ways an accumulation of my choices. (And I have clearly chosen a lot of cookies over my time.)

I've always felt pretty strongly about some social and political issues. University actually sort of dulled many of those sentiments but my relationship with Zach has reawakened many. He is an activist but not because he's passing out annoying pamphlets or listening to himself talk at parties but because he makes personal choices on a daily level that reflect his personal beliefs. If you ask him about his beliefs he'd be willing to have a conversation with you but he probably won't bring it up. And if you don't look closely, you may never realize that he lives and believes far left of many. 

We've spent the last 3 days filming a food preservation how to DVD. It's not for work. It's something that came to us by way of one of Zach's childhood friends. The information itself is fascinating but the conversations had over long breakfasts and lunches is what gets my mind racing. I feel like a generation has lost a language. Like immigrants who came to America and taught their children ONLY english. The lilt of the mother tongue forever gone. 

I feel like our generation are refugees of the feminist movement and a society that has to put a $ amount to arbitrarily create value. Through this twist of good intention and a bad system we have lost basic and vital information for living. It's almost Newspeak but knowledge. If the word for "hot" is taken away it changes how people think. If we lose the knowledge of how to create the foods we put into our bodies, we lose the power to make choices of what we put in our bodies. 

The things our mothers knew we no longer know. The skills of our grandmothers are lost and there is this quiet desperation to find them again. We want to find those mother tongues.

But we are still caught in the same bind. Learning these skills takes time and committment. I argue not as much as we think (that is something I've been realizing this weekend) but it does take those. And if a family for example wants to take it on it means people spending large amounts of time on it. And I've felt the nasty taste of "homemaker" in my own mouth. The stay at home Mom. What do you do? If you don't make buildings or design cars or play lead guitar in a band or make movies or sell insurance or something that brings in revenue or creating something with cache you are automatically dubbed as all of these negative things. You suddenly don't have anything to bring to the conversation.

But we no longer know how to make the things that clothe our bodies or provide energy to our cells. We rely on giant companies in the middle of countries we can't even locate on a map. We have been told "trust us" and we can do nothing but that because we have lost the physical ability to make another choice. 

On the most basic and important of things we have lost our knowledge on how to live. Yes I can make things in 7 different programs on a computer, but I can't turn a tomato on a bush into something I could eat 4 months from now. And all it takes is tomatoes, a jar, boiling water and lemon. 

There is something off about this. When I'm quiet and just think about it on some not-even-so-deep-level I know there is something wrong with this. And I think it's time to change. 

Canning

Production is exhausting. Even if you're just sitting all day watching a screen. By the time you end you just kind of want to pass out. Maybe it's b/c you're always waiting for something terrible to happen. In our case that's something as minor as a neighbor's dog beginning to bark or a teenager blasting their music from 2 houses down. Any of that can ruin an outdoor shoot.

So today was day two of three. Tomorrow we will film canning of whole fruits and tomatoes.(<---Although I know technically tomato..blah blah blah.) The first day took longer than we expected to set up. It's amazing what a headache grapes can be when trying to mount cameras to a wooden gazebo. Also apparently anything in Portland East is automatically in a jet path, which you all know how Z likes jets. 

But besides my obvious need to complain, it's been really good. H is a natural on camera and really gets it most of the time. She understands what we need from her for technical reasons and she obviously knows her stuff. She does a little over explaining, which I did when I filmed tiny tutorials for YouTube. It's easy to have happen. But she's pretty fantastic. Off camera too. And we're learning a ton. I always assumed making jams was really hard. It's not. Labor intensive yes a bit. And of course it'd take some trial and error of course, but there is something really logical about it. How exciting!

Also the woman we are filming is truly fascinating. The story of H's life is one of reinvention. Here she is at 55 at the top of what is probably her 5th or 6th reinvention. Wife. Mother. Artist. Revolution leader. Coffee shop owner. College drop out. Hitchhiker. She finds herself in the middle of life simply by living it. She lives. She discovers. Things come to an end and she moves to the next. It's liberation to see that in another human being because if she can do it so can you. And so can I.

ENGLISH!

I spent tonight working on the newsletter. You can tell when these things are rushed. (OK so everything is rushed at our company.) But this was really rushed. The kind of rushed where usually bad grammar rots into seems-like-a-spam-robot-wrote-it. And you look at it and think, "What the hell am I suppose to do with this?" I haven't seen the video. It's not one of ours. And this is not something I can make English. At least not English with any sort of content.

And there in lies a major problem with our copy. Words in and of themselves hold no meaning. It's how you combine them that matter. It doesn't matter how many words are placed to a page if the words don't actually say anything then there is no reason for them to be there. We could put an artist's name followed by:
XOXOXOBunniesandslipperswho'sacatIlikepeachpie
Retail Price: $32.95 Sale Price $22.95 Sale ends July 14, 2009

I may try and take the newsletter over before my Mother retires. There may be a lot I'm taking over. But that is for another entry.

Miss

You are what you eat?

Butterfly

Edges

Diamond Lake, or, Mosquito Land

We have few traditions, my family. Besides guilt, the neighborhood Christmas eve party and starting businesses, we don't follow many things year to year. With one more exception: Diamond Lake. We've been going to Diamond Lake forever. We all learned to ride our bikes there. We know the history of the lake. We recall with sadness when the algae blooms made swimming impossible. We all hated when they drained the lake and then filled it with chemicals to kill the invasive Chub. We remember these things b/c they are a part of our history as well.

Zach finally entered that history.

We only stayed for a few days. My parents are up there until Wednesday, but we decided to take what we could and head south for the weekend. It took a lot of self control to not spend the entire time filling him in on all the trips he hadn't been a part of. We did OK.

I only wish we could have been there longer. With fewer bugs. The mosquitoes made us abandon my parents and head back down Mt. Thielson and then hike the hwy 90-minutes on foot back to our cabin. Also tiny gnats destroyed our bike trip around the lake. We tore through clouds of them. Thousands of their little bodies blinding us as we pushed through onto the next cloud.

So fewer bugs. More time. But hopefully this won't be the last time he's out there with us. And it's kind of exciting that he's been folded into one more piece of our family.

Mid Summer

*click to enlarge

He Asked. I Said Yes Please!

I should preface this whole thing because it's part of the story. Zach and I had been fighting all weekend. All. Weekend. And not light fighting. Hard fighting. Fighting that makes us almost call birthday girls and tell them we're not coming. We'd find a well of calm and then later it'd disappear out from under us and we'd be back into it. And thus starts the story of How My Boyfriend Proposed To Me.

Our original plan was to work Friday and then drive up to Portland that night for a birthday celebration. Crash there and drive back Saturday for more work. Sunday Zach suggested we spend the morning working and animating from home and then Sunday afternoon curl up on a couch together and relax. But then Mom wanted to have a get together with Zach's parents at her house in Albany. This weekend was the only time it'd really work. So this now folded into the plan. I really didn't want it super early b/c I just wanted to relax, and luckily Zach's parents weren't available until a 7pm meal time. So the plan was set.

Sunday, we're hanging out on the couch at 5:45 having just finished episode 2 of Miami Vice on Netflix when Zach's Mom calls. He hangs up and says a pipe broke or something in their bathroom remodel and he has to go over there and help. He tells me he'll be back to pick me up at 6:30 to bring me to Albany. That's fine. I fold clothes. I play Tetris. It's kind of nice to be alone. If we didn't have this dinner tonight I would have been asleep by 6pm.

But then he calls and tells me he's running late. And that I should just go ahead without him and he won't be too far behind. I'm pissed and I'm not hiding it. So I say fine and I throw my crap together and pile in the car. And I'm driving down the country road I drive a million times a month and all of a sudden I see a person standing in a driveway with a large sign that's painted "Kelly." It takes my brain a few clicks to realize it's my childhood best friend Jenn. She's wearing biking shorts and a yellow reflector jacket. I pull over and throw her in and she explains that her bike got a flat and that my Mom said I should be by headed to dinner and could give her a ride. I buy it. We drive a wee bit and then I ask her about the sign. "Oh they were painting their house and let me make it." We live in a nice place I think and don't question in further.

So Jenn asks me how I'm doing and I really don't feel like talking. I'm still cranky. I don't really want to get into any of it. And then all of a sudden I see another person with a sign. And my brain is now really confused by this. Why would there be another sign? Am I dreaming? And why is Kate holding the sign? And why does the sign say in the same nice-we-let-you-make-a-sign-house-paint "Will." How much house painting is happening today?!

Ooooooh.

Beat.

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!

I look over and Jenn and she's pulled out a camera and is filming me.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOOOOOOOD.

We grab Kate. We throw her in the car and we keep on going. Somehow, and this is a real testamate to the brain's equalizing abilities, somehow I still think that this is it. Or I just don't quesiton beyond what has already happened. I mean this is the proposal. I know that it is but it still doesn't make sense. We've spent all weekend FIGHTING. Kate is suppose to be camping. Why isn't she camping? And then we round the corner and find George. He's suppose to have flown back to Reno already. But nope. He's there. With a sign. Hopping up and down with a giant "You."

I'm already a couple of "fucks" in by this point. We now have to reorganize the car. We dump everything I'm bringing to my parents in the trunk and pile in George. Is this why Zach vacuumed the car on Saturday? The massive amount of chicken in my mother's refrigerator suddenly makes sense.

"I don't have any more friends, " I say. Kate, Jenn and George look around at each other. "I mean," I say. "Not that should be around."

"I'm camping in the Olympic Peninsula," says Kate.
"And I'm in Reno," says George.

And then we rounded a corner and there is Andrea holding "Marry."

I'm not crying yet...but I will be. And soon. And I get out and I hug her and my brain is still trying to comprehend not the proposal but all these people holding these signs. These are the people who are most important to me and I'm gathering them on a country road in the middle of Summer.

We're about 3/4 mile now and everyone is laughing and talking in the car. I round the final corner and I see my brother and sister-in-law's traveling van and then all these cars.I mean, seriously.

"Who the fuck are all these cars?"

I use the most delicate language. Especially when it's being filmed for Grandpa and Grandma.

And then I see the driveway. There's Zach holding a sign...and behind him are all these people. His Family. My family. Our friends from theater. Friends from college. Friends from family. All these people I really do love. And I drive in. And out pile the Kelly Will You Marry and they line up and Zach hands his Me? to my Mom and gets down on one knee. Behind him four other smaller signs flip up. My choices:

"Yes!" "Sounds Pretty OK." "Sure why not." And the one I chose, "Yes Please."

A ring slipped onto my finger and hugs abound.

And like I said, all that chicken in my Mother's refrigerator finally made sense.

Yes there is video footage. Yes you may at some point see it. It's strange. Zach and I picked out the ring together. I knew this was happening. But the excitement I felt when it was Zach's and my secret (and apparently Andreas not too soon afterwards!) has just grown with the amount of love people have shown. Which is what marriage is all about right? It's people holding signs on a country high way. It's the best damn brownies you've ever tasted. And it's lots of hugging.

That probably didn't make sense...but you know what I mean :)

Pink Flamingo!