A New Sort of Monday

I'm having trouble finding closure to String of Pearls. Maybe it's b/c I don't need any. It very well might be that. Normally I find closure through junk food (check) and a well of sentimentality for the past x amount of time and the people I spent it with. That latter is the one I'm having trouble crossing off. We didn't have a cast party, which just mirrors the whole process for us as actors. We were never really given the opportunities to bond. (And I think we would have been an even tighter group given the chance.) I get the sense that the director has done this so long at this point she doesn't really care about that outside stuff. (Or maybe she just didn't feel it with this particular group of people.)

I also know that I'm a mind jumper. I jump from project to project. It took a lot of self control to not emotionally invest in the next thing before this thing was over. And now that it is, my brain is already strategizing how to get shit done.

But that's why I need the closure. Generally with closure I have the sadness, but I also have this lifting sensation. This lightness that swells and I feel I can accomplish anything. I don't have that this time. I don't have the relief. And maybe that's b/c after the Saturday show my parents told me my paternal Grandmother might be dying, and I'm now taking care of their pets while they head south. Maybe that's why I don't have the lightness. When I really analyze it, it feels unconnected somehow, but maybe I'm not *that* self aware.

I don't know. But I do know that before I completely cross it off, before I completely move on to the next thing, I need to assess the experience in its entirety, and make notes of what I learned for next time. (May there be a next time :)

Holy. F*cking. Hell.

I. Am. Finished.

Onto the next thing. And there are many next things. All the best kind.

First Weekend Success

Four days off. Four. Glorious. Days. It's going to be hard to pull this back together on Friday night. We're not having a pick up rehearsal, which means I need to run through my lines at least once a night.

We've had great audiences and have not quiet yet made it through seamless, but we're doing a good job. Some areas are stronger than others. But that's how it goes. Normally I'm just not on stage the entire time to see it.

A few people have said that they've liked this show more than Memory of Water. It made me realize that I liked Memory of Water more b/c I got to play a fantastic character. That I was gauging the play from an acting standpoint. In this show, I don't have the fun characters. (Or the ones that really get the laughs.) As one friend pointed out, I'm the straight man in a lot of my scenes. But that's OK. We don't all get to be the funny person every show. And in this show, the woman who has some of those roles, does such a good job with them I'm not even envious. Weird right?

I'm back!

Hello again! I realize that I need mini goals for each night's performance. They may all be the same goals each night but I need something more relevant than, "Don't fuck up."

My favorite part of the whole play process is, well, the process. It's not the performance. So I need to figure out how to keep the process continuing.

So tonight the goals:
Work on....
-channeling nervous energy into character energy.
-listening to what another character is actually saying and reacting to that. Not what I know they will say. Be in the moment.
-when telling stories, really picture the events as if it were a real memory. B/c for your character it is.

Physical attributes:
Tonight I'm going to try and distinguish different movements between two of my characters. I'm just starting with two. I'll add more movement issues in later once I get these down. Nothing grand but I'm going to try and shift where I hold my weight for these two. I have to be careful not to become a caricature. But just something for me to feel like there is a distinction.

Something to think about for future shows: how I feel about one* of my co-actresses in a particular scene. I know in general, but I should be more specific.

So THESE are the things I'm going to work on tonight. This is where I'll focus my energy when I'm flipping out. Just something to give to my brain and say, "Go work on that." Distraction. But the good kind.

*I'm being a bit vague so I don't feel really really obvious when you see the show. It's like the lingerie issue ..only acting.

I'm sucking down Sucrets

There are different techniques for different stages in a production. At first it's learning your damn lines and figuring out how to connect with your fellow actresses on stage. It's breathing (which yet again I've forgotten to implement into a habit). It's knowing when to pick up a picture. When to take back a chair. But I'm finding there is another level of technique, not more or less advanced, that I need to learn. And that's show technique. The technique of acting in front of an audience b/c if you think about it, we've spent the entire run rehearsing in front of no one accept the crew. That is a very different thing than an audience. It's a different approach maybe no necessarily in what you're doing, but how you feel about what you're doing.

Count Down

Tonight was fun. Fun like it should be. People were on. The mood was good. There was a camaraderie thick in the room. We were in it and we were in it together.

This show has been a slow build. For whatever reasons (and I do have theories) our bonding has been slower. Our sense of freedom on stage has been late blooming. But tonight I felt it. We were lost in our characters. People were trying new things as only people who really know their characters can try. It was refreshing and lovely and about fucking time.

So yes. We have only 2 more rehearsals until we open. Open on a night where the weather is threatening freezing rain. And for the first time I'm really excited to share this with people. Get them in the seats and see where they laugh. See where we can take them. And I'm still not certain it's the best show in the world, but I am certain that I really admire the women I'm sharing the journey with. Really eager to stand in a line with them when the lights come up and play.

Final two weeks

Tickets went on sale tonight. More are already gone than I thought. I think that's good. I don't know what I think. Mostly I think I'm sitting really close to some people in Section 3 and that we keep our backs turned way too much to that same section. Mostly I try not to think about those things. Mostly I fail.

I don't know what it was tonight in rehearsal, maybe the fact that one of our actresses added a new accent for the first time or maybe it was because our light guy came in and played around us, but something felt different. There was a sizzle at moments that I hadn't felt yet. There was an, "aaah. There she is" here and there. I don't know what it is yet. B/c we were certainly skipping whole sections of things but yeah, just...something.

I needed that something. I'm still lost in the untethered space. Unsure if this is a good play or a mediocre one. Unsure if I am believable in the slightest. I think the show has it's moments. Some of the actresses really are outstanding and have given some outstanding performances these past weeks of rehearsal. But I still don't know if all of it wrapped together makes a very intriguing story. However, like with seating, I'm done worrying about that. My allegiance lies with 10 women. The 5 on the stage with me and the 5 I've been chosen to play. That is where my energy must focus for these remaining two weeks and then the 8 performances. There and only there.

And tonight, whatever that was we got the glimmer of, I want more of that. :)

We took photographs again tonight for the poster. They kept telling me to smile larger. Smile larger! This will not end well.

Our Theater Doesn't Do Rain

SOP is not a standard play. People play multiple characters. Those characters spend a lot of time speaking to the audience and not to each other. I'm beginning to see the ramifications of such a show. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are neither the prior two and just are.

1. Cast bonding: there is less of it.
Every cast has it's own feel. I think I can confidently say that now. My first show in '06, I had a director that worked to make sure his cast of 4 women bonded. We had field trips together for Christ sake. It set the bar very high. I've never had a show that was that tight, but my last show, Memory of Water, did have some bond. It may not have been totally positive, but it was there. This show doesn't have that yet, and I'm not sure it will. We are all on stage the entire time so there is no down time between scenes to connect as people. We are always playing characters. We are rarely interacting as back stage confidants or whatever. We are never actresses, we are always acting.

Tonight's Lessons

I need to learn to stay quiet. I'm an over-explainer...most especially in new groups where I'm still uncomfortable and unsure of my place. One of my inner voices needs to have the sole job of bringing down the hatchet when I'm veering into, "too much information" territory. Big or small. GAH.

So today I finally looked at our rehearsal schedule and noticed that in two weeks Monday, we are suppose to be off book. Really? Really truly? B/c that's h i l a r i o u s. HILARIOUS. I have so much to learn in such a short time. Bring on the nightmares!

Baby Steps- SOP

Tonight was the first real rehearsal for SOP. Last night was a read through but mostly some necessary house keeping . Also pictures. You know how I feel about pictures. I don't have high hopes for my shiny spot on the poster. But alas I digress.

Tonight started about as rough as last night started, only instead of getting into some light conflict with the artistic director, tonight I get a call at 7:45 from the AD wondering where I am. See I was suppose to be there at 7:30, which I thought yesterday when they didn't call my name for the Tuesday rehearsal and when I asked about it they joked I hadn't looked at my schedule. Good thing I didn't open that bottle of wine.

Here we go again- Pearls

I start rehearsing a new show a week from Monday. It's Michele Lowe's String of Pearls. Six women play 20-some roles. I was asked to audition and wasn't thrilled about the script, but I love the director and really respect her work. (Really respect her work.) She offered me a part in the cast and it would have been stupid to turn her down. Now that I've spent more time with the script, I realize it would have been stupid in more ways than one.

With our travels and wedding prep, I've neglected doing the necessary work for these parts. But once the 26th hits, my life will revolve around this show. That's just how theater works. So like the many things that consume my thoughts, I will do a lot of musings here. Some will be about the characters (insights, what I'm trying, what works, what doesn't) and of course probably discussion on the other actresses. It is an all woman show. I like these. I like the atmosphere they create. Throw in one man and everything changes. In the past, I've had really good experiences. I hope I do so again.

Questions for the Day

I'm going to go wander around SanFran while Zach works. I'm working on these questions in my mind:

1. What are the physical traits and personal histories of three of the five women I'll be playing starting in October rehearsals.
Amy- heart surgeon and researcher
Abby- something in finances
Stephanie- Was an architect but now a stay at home Mom.

I have preliminary physical descriptions for two of them. It's the first part of a rough draft. Thank you Richard Avedon exhibit and bus ride home. You were tremendously helpful.

2. What would I wear if I wasn't worried about body size and/or money?

3. General thoughts about a character I'm trying to flesh out for some writing. All I know is her ex husband is named Aaron. Her ex's best friend is named Brian. I still don't have her name or her best friend's name...nor the main character's traits.

Today is like shopping around for personalities in the crowds. I don't get this chance in Corvallis b/c there aren't crowds. What a cool opportunity here in SanFran.

Have a good day ya'll!

sleep

This is brief b/c I'm going to fall asleep typing. I didn't go back and work on animation after the meeting BUT the meeting went REALLY well. I will be playing 5 characters with accents (oh accents, *squeal!*) from French to Bostonian to New Yorker to mid westerner. So exciting. I already checked out the four apt dialect cds. Also, I'm excited to work with the other women cast. There's another 28 year old who's into art. She looks like an artist. Or she looks like what I think an artist should look like. Also she seems cool.

On a side note, it's always interesting for me to see people's careful reactions when I ask them what type of art they do. They give really measured responses b/c they are use to people asking but not use to people understanding what they give as an answer. I always want to say, "yes yes yes but what TYPE of art do you do?" and get into an actual conversation.

How I Learned To Drive

I went to an informal play reading this afternoon with some random people from the local theater. This wasn't an audition for a future play. Simply an informal group and a script. We read "How I Learned to Drive." It's the history, more or less, of the protagonist's abuse by her Uncle by marriage. And theoretically it's a controversial play. It definitely was in our theater a few years back when the play reading committee OK'd it but then was over-powered by the Board, which should have no say in these matters. In the end, a very excellent director did not get the chance to direct a very excellent script.

This makes me both sad and angry now that I've actually had a chance to read it especially when I think people are confused at why they think it's controversial. Apparently a few people in the meetings stood up and said that people in the audience would find the story too familiar and would be negatively affected by it. To that I say bullshit. What I believe people find controversial is that in this story there is no black and white. The abuser isn't Satan incarnate. The protagonist at times seems unsure if she likes or dislikes the attention. There isn't a rape scene where the woman is crying and obviously scarred. I think if those were the case it would be far less controversial because it wouldn't mean we had to do any thinking of our own. We would all be in familiar territory. We can do Diary of Ann Frank a million times because it's a black and white atrocity. Jews good. Nazis bad. There's a narrative for the viewer that's safe even if the story itself is harrowing; to the viewer the story is safe.

And that's what our local theater does, safe plays. And it doesn't mean nothing good gets through. There are many really excellent shows filled with talented and hardworking people across the spectrum. But on some level they are all safe. Not boring but within these rules our theater has silently decreed.

Annoying.

"How I Learned to Drive" is a good read. It's possible that they will (or did) perform it in Portland. Also, if you do pick it up or have seen it, I'd love to discuss :)

In the great words of Alec Baldwin (via David Mamet), "So that happened."

On to life.

NYC

I have been looking forward to our trip but there were so many piles (actual and brain wise) between us and it that I hadn't yet gotten excited. Well, it's amazing what finding a museum with a wallcoverings exhibit can do to you. WALLCOVERINGS!!!! Holy crap. Get me on that plane and fly me east. NOW! This same museum has textile and graphic design exhibits as well.

Seriously.

SERIOUSLY.

OK, I'm embarrassing myself.

In other news, today is the last performance of Chicago. I've had a great time doing it and am happy to have met such cool people. I will also revel in having our evenings and weekends again.

WALLCOVERINGS!

Light Box Lessons

Quick Update:

We are down to four, count 'em FOUR, performances of Chicago. Thursday's performance will be followed by 45 minutes of karaoke. Kind of a cool idea. I think I might be running the machine. At least that will keep me far (far far) from the microphone. *Shudder*

Members of the cast are slowly getting sick. One of the character's voice is really hurting and now she has a full on stuffy head. She's singing through it and doing a pretty incredible job. What stress.

I'm learning a few things watching the show. I think I'll be a better performer for it.

1. Never break character. I've managed to do pretty well with this one so far but that goal has been strongly reinforced. Both of the leads drop character if something goes amiss. For one it's if she messes up dancing. For the other it's if she messes up singing. For the latter she's breaking character the farther we are in the run. Being sick obviously doesn't help. Also the other secondary characters tend to break if something small happens. It may not feel obvious to them on stage but to the audience it's like a dozen neon arrows pointing down on them and flashing. I knew it drew attention but I never realized how much attention.

2. Make decisions and follow them. Half-assed or confused translates oddly on stage. I've heard directors say this before, make a choice and commit to it, and I've understood it in terms of character but only in terms of character. A few of the actresses, ones that I know aren't as experienced on stage, tend to wander. If they have long speeches, they wander. If they have a solo, they wander. If they are just standing on stage in a duet, they wander. I still have this problem too. Seeing other people do it may cure me of it. As a novice, standing still feels funny. But the audience doesn't register, "Oh that's funny. She's standing still." To them it seems like nothing. It draws no attention at all and that's the whole point. It makes you transparent. Wandering around on the other hand begins to seem strange. I start to ask myself, "Where is she going?"

Wandering does have a place. If a character is agitated or confused or bored or some emotion that should translate into this particular type of movement then it's warranted. Otherwise, it's just bad technique. And like I said, a bad habit I'm still breaking.

3. Crew is not cast and is not part of the the family. Crewing is a strange beast because you come onto the scene after the actors have been working together for months. There is a bond and it feels strange to be working as part of the team but not the family. And that's OK. That's how it should be. I don't feel strange at all that I won't attend the cast party. Hopefully though, I will hang out with a few of the other crew members I've come to know over the weeks. I'm sure the actors are super nice too but the crew has been awesome. It's been great to spend the time with them.

4. Act with and through tech glitches. No one glitch ruins a show. It's how actors deal with those. Tech is trying to do the best they can. They are not asleep at the wheel. If something is going on they will fix it. Keep going. Pretend nothing is happening and continue forth.

Today is our first night off in quite awhile. I worked this weekend so that I could mozy on north in attempts to find travel clothes for my winter-fattened frame. (No, thank YOU holidays :) It'll be nice to have time to think, just think for awhile on the road. I haven't had time to drift in my head for awhile, and I think I'm ready for it.

Three Down, Nine to Go

Today is my first day in over a week where I've had nothing Chicago. OK, I have the songs on shuffle, weaving themselves between brain fiber, but nothing that lands me in the theater for 4-9 hours.

It's going well though. The first night was jittery for all. Second night has some gaffes but by night three, technically speaking, we were smooth sailing.

It's fascinating watching the production over and over again. I'm use to seeing a show once or feeling it from within acting many many times. Rarely am I a repeat viewer. My vantage is a little strange in that I'm perched out above the stage. I can see the tops of heads and noses. I can barely see the outstretched shins and knees of that first audience row. And I'm learning that little missteps are no big deal, and that if a light doesn't come one where you expect it, it probably has very little to do with the lighting person and more to do with a whole series of events that simply ends in the light not being as you expected.

I'm also feeling really fortunate about working this show. I'm a wee bit bored with the show and will be incredibly bored by performance 12 wraps, but I love the crew. I don't know the actors at all, but I'm coming to adore the people I'm working with behind the scenes. Bruce, the guy who taught me lights, is now more or less absent from the theater but after seeing him three days in a row (three days he wasn't suppose to be there really) Zach and I come in and, yep, there's Bruce again. And before I've even said hello he says, "Yes I'm still here. Yes I've set off the fire alarm...twice." And away he disappears. He has an air of laid back cool and the deep knowledge fitting for a man who has lived his life in a tour bus working show after show.

Every night my head is crowned with a headset. It pushes in my temples and gives me headaches but it connects me with three very cool people. One Stage Manager and two Assistant Stage Managers. The SM sits up in the booth with me and directs us all in our tasks. The ASMs each manage a wing of the stage. They make sure actors come on and off at the right times. Deal with props, lights that need to be plugged in manually, stage curtains and scrims. I just press a button and make sure the light shifts. They on the other hand are running around the entire show in various forms of pitch black. I have it easy in comparison.

And everyone is seriously cool. Normally I'm nervous around new people and am slow to warm. These people make joking easy and create a great atmosphere. The Stage Manager's fiance is there too helping Zach and she's as cool as her husband-to-be. I think Zach and I went into all of this a little daunted by the time commitment and instead have been super impressed with the people we're meeting. I know better than to count on the theater for potential friends (at least in most cases) but I'd be sad if we didn't hang out with some of these people at least a little post show.

Great Balls of Fire

I designed lights in my sleep last night. My unconscious mind kept running through the show while I assessed what colors and intensity would best suit the mood. I think about it even now while editing art videos. I wish I could have actually designed this show but instead I'm caught somewhere in between not having the time or skills to design the show and some other nether region of design/board operation.

The director came here today to record some stuff with Zach and I told him I thought he might have to be really specific with the lighting guy about what he wants and expects. I think Bruce (lighting guy) is super skilled and is willing to do anything but just might need to be herded a wee bit.

After I said it all too him I'm now worried I don't have my reality exact and this will all backfire into some weird ball of conflict. Conflict, which is a thing I avoid at all possible cost.

Sometimes dealing with people is slippery. There are currents over here of actions and intentions and then over there there are other currents with other actions and intentions and you're just standing in the middle going, "Huh?"