What We Owe

I hung out with an old high school classmate last week. I see him about once a year. Before I go in, I find myself playing out possible confrontational conversations I'll have with him. I'll draw lines in my mind as to what point I'll give myself permission to leave or feel offended. And the fact that I do this at all probably means we shouldn't hang out. Sounds totally healthy right?

But we've known each other for a long time. And history has to count for something.

The answer is no it doesn't. History counts for nothing if the person is abusive or a bully. And sometimes it may take you 8 years to realize what your husband can point out in 8 seconds. But never mind how long it takes or who says the clarifying statements. The truth is history holds very little water when the present is being (always has been) a complete ass.

Goals: Unemployment 2012

Today is my last day of full time employment. A culmination of 7 years. What does tomorrow bring? Well, tomorrow I'm volunteering all day. But what about the day after? Good question. Here's hoping.

Not in order of any sort of importance: 

1. Get better at grammar and build vocabulary
I love doing social media, and a large aspect of anything related to social media is language. Time to brush up on those language components. I'll defeat you yet comma placement.

2. Cook
Z and I eat out all the time. We love doing it, but I suggest it less out of love and more out of laziness. We'll be unveiling a budget at some point in the near future, and I'm pretty sure laziness eating shouldn't (and won't) be a part of it.

3. Volunteer + Do Informational Interviews
I have a set of skills I need to learn to be viable in this job market for my particular industry. I need to find volunteer opportunities that let me learn those skills. I also need to work hard to talk wtih as many people in the industry as I can. The few informational interviews I've done have taught me things I could have never learned with out their willingness to give an hour of their time.

4. Exercise
My cholesterol is high. My moral is low. I am unhealthy. Unemployment Season has no room for excuses about exercise. 

5. Freelance like a Mother F*cker
There are aspects of my job that I could never attend to because my leash was being held by (good-intentioned) crazy. Now that I set my own hours I can explore those possibilities.

6. Read and Learn about the Tools of My Craft
SEO, adwords, Wordpress, website building. We have a Lynda.com account and that magic piece of paper known as the library card. Time to use both for all they're worth. 

7. Blog
I manage (and write some) content for the work blog, and I will continue to do that. Our readership is growing, and it's something I love doing. Time to put what I'm learning there into my other blog projects, mainly CraftAmor.

8. Sleep 
I love sleep. And even things we love take discipline.

9. Create Art
The only way one gets better at art is to do art. Time to start living within facts.

10. Work on Happiness
I have a bad attitude about myself, and when life is chaotic it's easy to fall into habits that are hard to discard later. Now is that later. I have the quiet and the time for self reflection. I want to study my triggers and my reactions and see if I can trim some at the source. Time is my biggest stressor and unemployment means time is the one commodity I have in abundance. 

11. Live Lightly + Discard the Trash
I am a clean freak pack rat. I have too much stuff, and I long for clean surfaces. I no longer have the excuse to ignore the bulging closets and drawers. Time to fit the home we have. This includes both the physical space and the digital space.

Final 5 Days

In five working days, I am finished with seven years of working. Seven years. My first job. My only job. Amazing.

I have mixed feelings. There are the obvious feelings of worry. Will I be able to find work? How long should I try to find work that involves my desired career? I'll be doing freelance, we'll have unemployment, and we've saved quite a bit this past year so if we're smart, we'll be OK from a money standpoint, but still. I don't think I've yet realized how much identity is involved in any job of seven years. Who are you when a large part of what you've done disappears?

On the other hand I feel a bit like a kid poised at the edge of summer break. I never planned for lazy days (although I often took them.) Summer always meant a season of exercise and writing and classes at the community college. It meant early mornings and long nights. For me the coming season of unemployment means goals and the self discipline of learning, well, self discipline. I'm curious to see if my levels of guilt will go down now that I don't have to be anywhere 9 to 5. I'm curious if my weird issues with time strengthen or weaken.

It's a mystery, but one I'll soon have the mixed pleasure of meeting face to face.

Loneliness: The Single and Double of It

(The necessary disclaimer: Z and I are fine. This is not some undertoned cry for help in our marriage. This is just a discussion of how things are sometimes. I have actually felt lonely approximately zero times this week!)

A single friend asked recently about whether I'm ever lonely as a married person. It's a good question. Loneliness is a touchy subject, and loneliness in marriage is a little bit of a hush hush, hence the disclaimer above.

I think the loneliness of being single is a more public loneliness because it is a more acceptable loneliness. People are less uncomfortable in single loneliness b/c we can all look at the situation and offer a solution. Someday we assume that person won't be single, and the loneliness will be solved. It's a problem with a perceived some-day solution. The loneliness while tough, is not forever.

Rules for (Attending or Helping at) a Wedding

I love weddings, but that is another post. This weekend my sister got married and we worked hard and played hard. It was spectacular and delicious and everything you want on a day about love. But it got me thinking about my opinions on weddings. These rules say, "You," but really I mean, "Me." And I will read them before our next wedding next week and hopefully I will be a better guest and bridesmaid in the future.

1. Give the opinion of which you were asked.
If your sister asks you, "How does this (particular) dahlia look?" it is fine to say, "That color looks strange. Let's try another." It is not OK to say, "Aren't you going to put lilies in it?" It's reeeeeally hard to do, but try and have the answer match what is actually being asked. People have a hard time admitting that they want creative control of their wedding but most people honestly do. And very few things look bad enough to ruin a wedding so if it's what the person wants, just say it looks fine. B/c it probably does and the thing your feeling is based on a personal preference not a fact of ugly vs not ugly. Or at least offer suggestions based on what they are ASKING for. A question about a dahlia is not an invitation to critique the entire direction of a bouquet.

(Also side note: Please don't ask me about flowers b/c I have no opinion. I have an opinion on many many many many many many things. Just not flowers. But if you do ask me, I will try very hard to muster *something* helpful. There just may be a lot of blinking between the question and the response.)

2. Don't invite guests.
This should be self explanatory. And might I say obvious. But. If the envelope says you plus one, bring a plus one. (Or don't.) If it just says you, just bring you. If it just says you and your partner, don't bring your three children. If you can't afford a babysitter or can't find someone to do it, you can't actually afford to go to the wedding. You can ask about a clarification before you RSVP but don't just RSVP for whoever you feel like. Just don't. Assume that the sendee understands the envelope rule and so you abide by the envelope rule.

3. Only come if you want to come.
This also seems like it should be obvious, but people feel some weird obligation about attending weddings. Weddings should just be renamed to Obligations. It goes both ways but if you don't actually want to go to a wedding, don't go. Don't go. Send them a nice fat check that's a third of the plane fair you would have spent. A couple won't be offended if you say you can't come. It's more insulting to have you come and be dower.

(*Note: This "not wanting to go" doesn't include the small annoyance all of us sometimes feel about attending an event. This is like the deep seated not wanting to go.)

Dream Scape

I have been battling with illness the past three days. Originally I thought it was from a night of overenthusiastic dancing but now on day three I'm realizing, no, germs are making their standard rounds through my blood stream. One of the results is a sore throat. The sore throat variety where it feels like someone (probably me) wrapped a golf ball in sand paper and then half swallowed it. Yawning is the worse. Who knew.

But the golf ball of doom is particularly screwing with my sleep. If you read this blog you know I have a super overactive dream life. If I get over or under a certain amount of sleep, I get crazy James Bond dreams. With the golf ball of doom securely lodged, my sleep has been broken up into teeny tiny pieces where during the coarse of the night I'll wake up maybe a 100 times.

The body has adapted.

Goals 2011/2012 Month 1 (of 9)

Goals 2011/2012

Month one down and eight to go. I walked into this entry thinking I'd done a sucky job this past month, but actually I feel good about what I did accomplish and confident that I can get back on track with what I didn't. We should keep lists not to punish ourselves but help us keep direction in a chaotic landscape.