Rules for (Attending or Helping at) a Wedding

I love weddings, but that is another post. This weekend my sister got married and we worked hard and played hard. It was spectacular and delicious and everything you want on a day about love. But it got me thinking about my opinions on weddings. These rules say, "You," but really I mean, "Me." And I will read them before our next wedding next week and hopefully I will be a better guest and bridesmaid in the future.

1. Give the opinion of which you were asked.
If your sister asks you, "How does this (particular) dahlia look?" it is fine to say, "That color looks strange. Let's try another." It is not OK to say, "Aren't you going to put lilies in it?" It's reeeeeally hard to do, but try and have the answer match what is actually being asked. People have a hard time admitting that they want creative control of their wedding but most people honestly do. And very few things look bad enough to ruin a wedding so if it's what the person wants, just say it looks fine. B/c it probably does and the thing your feeling is based on a personal preference not a fact of ugly vs not ugly. Or at least offer suggestions based on what they are ASKING for. A question about a dahlia is not an invitation to critique the entire direction of a bouquet.

(Also side note: Please don't ask me about flowers b/c I have no opinion. I have an opinion on many many many many many many things. Just not flowers. But if you do ask me, I will try very hard to muster *something* helpful. There just may be a lot of blinking between the question and the response.)

2. Don't invite guests.
This should be self explanatory. And might I say obvious. But. If the envelope says you plus one, bring a plus one. (Or don't.) If it just says you, just bring you. If it just says you and your partner, don't bring your three children. If you can't afford a babysitter or can't find someone to do it, you can't actually afford to go to the wedding. You can ask about a clarification before you RSVP but don't just RSVP for whoever you feel like. Just don't. Assume that the sendee understands the envelope rule and so you abide by the envelope rule.

3. Only come if you want to come.
This also seems like it should be obvious, but people feel some weird obligation about attending weddings. Weddings should just be renamed to Obligations. It goes both ways but if you don't actually want to go to a wedding, don't go. Don't go. Send them a nice fat check that's a third of the plane fair you would have spent. A couple won't be offended if you say you can't come. It's more insulting to have you come and be dower.

(*Note: This "not wanting to go" doesn't include the small annoyance all of us sometimes feel about attending an event. This is like the deep seated not wanting to go.)

Tsk Tsk

Coming back from a wedding is hard. I use to tsk tsk when I heard brides say this. Like "oh poor you not getting to pick out dresses anymore." But that is a way too simple assessment of something that is much more emotionally complex.

The truth is, it's hard not b/c of the what, but b/c of the how long and the how focused. As an event, a wedding takes a lot of life energy and mental focus to plan. I've done enough video projects to know that I have project let down after each and every one of them. (After a really good play is the worst.) But for 6 months most of my days were spent siphoning my wants (our wants), wishes and family mental health through this one event. Eye of a pin or something. Now that the event is over (whether it had been a wedding or directing a feature length film) I have spent more time than I suspected untethered.

But I can feel it coming back. I can see ground below my feet quietly rising from the distance. And I know that soon again I will feel my toes touch the earth and I will be off running again among the living.

And it's september. Who can't love that.

Watching a Tea Pot

When I planned my short oh-so-long-ago it was dependent on having rain. B/c it's Oregon, and our winters are wet.

When I planned wedding crafts it depended on the weather being dry. B/c it's Oregon, and our springs can be beautiful and it's usually dry 4 out of 7 days by June.

So to you El Nino or La Nina or global warming, or to God, to whatever you are, I say screw you.

Love,
Kelly