What We Owe

I hung out with an old high school classmate last week. I see him about once a year. Before I go in, I find myself playing out possible confrontational conversations I'll have with him. I'll draw lines in my mind as to what point I'll give myself permission to leave or feel offended. And the fact that I do this at all probably means we shouldn't hang out. Sounds totally healthy right?

But we've known each other for a long time. And history has to count for something.

The answer is no it doesn't. History counts for nothing if the person is abusive or a bully. And sometimes it may take you 8 years to realize what your husband can point out in 8 seconds. But never mind how long it takes or who says the clarifying statements. The truth is history holds very little water when the present is being (always has been) a complete ass.



I believe all of us have paths. I believe that life is a constant struggle and no one (even the most smiley of happy people) escape the bumps. But in that life is innately tough, the people around us should be soft. The people around us should be safe and warm and kind. Or at least that's what I want. I want people who understand that their personal struggle is universal, and that it's exactly that struggle that should make us more delicate with our fellow travelers.

I do not subjugate my friends to any sort of litmus test. I don't explain a situation and then see how sympathetic they are and then hang out (or not hang out) accordingly. But I'm finding as I get older I'm attracted to a certain type of people. And it's easy to see how many traits they share (humility, curiosity for human experience) when I hang out with someone who doesn't.

And it was eye opening. I thought it would be sad but it was eye opening. This guy is on his path, and he's lucky to be surrounded by people who love him. And I owe him exactly nothing. I can take the knowledge that I've mostly been decent to him and walk away. No strings. No expectations or obligations. Freedom from feeling responsibility for an unsuccessful relationship.

And in approximately a year when I feel some history tug to see how he's doing, my husband can very kindly remind me of the time this last year when I reached out to a friend who seemed sad just to have him make fun of every aspect of me I extended. Because the great thing about being a self aware adult is that we get to choose. And I choose - am lucky to be able to choose- those many many people that fill my life with support, love, and humility. And I should take the energy that I expel trying to make a doomed friendship work and put it where it does work. And use the experience as encouragement to be a better friend myself.