Rules for (Attending or Helping at) a Wedding

I love weddings, but that is another post. This weekend my sister got married and we worked hard and played hard. It was spectacular and delicious and everything you want on a day about love. But it got me thinking about my opinions on weddings. These rules say, "You," but really I mean, "Me." And I will read them before our next wedding next week and hopefully I will be a better guest and bridesmaid in the future.

1. Give the opinion of which you were asked.
If your sister asks you, "How does this (particular) dahlia look?" it is fine to say, "That color looks strange. Let's try another." It is not OK to say, "Aren't you going to put lilies in it?" It's reeeeeally hard to do, but try and have the answer match what is actually being asked. People have a hard time admitting that they want creative control of their wedding but most people honestly do. And very few things look bad enough to ruin a wedding so if it's what the person wants, just say it looks fine. B/c it probably does and the thing your feeling is based on a personal preference not a fact of ugly vs not ugly. Or at least offer suggestions based on what they are ASKING for. A question about a dahlia is not an invitation to critique the entire direction of a bouquet.

(Also side note: Please don't ask me about flowers b/c I have no opinion. I have an opinion on many many many many many many things. Just not flowers. But if you do ask me, I will try very hard to muster *something* helpful. There just may be a lot of blinking between the question and the response.)

2. Don't invite guests.
This should be self explanatory. And might I say obvious. But. If the envelope says you plus one, bring a plus one. (Or don't.) If it just says you, just bring you. If it just says you and your partner, don't bring your three children. If you can't afford a babysitter or can't find someone to do it, you can't actually afford to go to the wedding. You can ask about a clarification before you RSVP but don't just RSVP for whoever you feel like. Just don't. Assume that the sendee understands the envelope rule and so you abide by the envelope rule.

3. Only come if you want to come.
This also seems like it should be obvious, but people feel some weird obligation about attending weddings. Weddings should just be renamed to Obligations. It goes both ways but if you don't actually want to go to a wedding, don't go. Don't go. Send them a nice fat check that's a third of the plane fair you would have spent. A couple won't be offended if you say you can't come. It's more insulting to have you come and be dower.

(*Note: This "not wanting to go" doesn't include the small annoyance all of us sometimes feel about attending an event. This is like the deep seated not wanting to go.)

4. Follow instructions.
Don't eat cake until you're suppose to eat cake. EAT if the bride and groom tell you to eat even though they haven't yet eaten. Have your speech be no longer than 2 minutes if that's what they want. And side note: If they tell you your speech can be whatever length, make it under 5. Or better yet 3.

5. Celebrate.
And this is the most important. If you do decide to come, have a good attitude and be fully present. You know, celebrate.  A friend recently said in an email exchange that being a guest (of any kind really) is work. I always had known that on some level but not until she had written it down did it really make sense. If you actually decide to go to a wedding (see #3), be super a guest. Plan it so that you can actually have fun. Too many people front load. Helping the bride and groom prepare for the wedding is important, but it shouldn't be at the cost of really celebrating with them because yes they need help with moving tables, but what they really actually WANT is your energy and fun at the event. Plan your flight home accordingly so that you can drink with them and dance with them and make sure they have a good time. Plan your ride home. Plan where you're staying so that you can actually CELEBRATE not just attend and then leave.

6. Dance.
For some reason people feel like whether or not people dance is a marker of wedding success. It's silly, and I too fully fell prey to its power. But unless you're inviting an entire college drama department (which are the BEST GUESTS EVER btw) people are probably going to be hesitant about dancing. Knowing that, go to an event ready to dance. Wear appropriate shoes. Maybe down a glass of wine (or two) to get up a little courage. But unless you are mortified of dancing, try really hard to be a person out there.

I'm obsessed now with the psychology of dancing at weddings, and last year Z and I went to a wedding a month after ours. The couple was really worried that no one would dance, so we told them we would be their dancers and we literally stayed on that dance floor even after other people had left because we know it's infinitely harder to enter an empty dance floor than one with a couple on it. And it totally worked. Maybe people would have come back for the Michael Jackson song anyways, I don't know. But I think we helped, and I feel like we were really fucking good guests. As we should always be.

7. Take your favor home.
Even if you don't want it, take it home. Bride and Groom put thought and effort into that and it feels kind of crappy to be cleaning up and re-stacking or throwing out all of that work.

8. Tape
...the shit out of your envelope to attach it  to your present. And I'd even go so far as to write what you got them on the card (maybe under a taped down flap) so that if they do accidentally reshuffle everything, they don't have to stress about finding the pair.) Write what you got them on the gift receipt for the very same reasons.


9. RSVP
The day after you receive your invite, respond to the invite. If you have to do some schedule juggling, fine, but RSVP waaaaaaaay before the deadline. The rules of wedding etiquette sends out the invites way late in the process. Save the dates should be your warning that you'll have to schedule. They give you a stamped envelope and an email.


10. Read the website and print out the schedule.
I'm still horribly guilty of this, but don't assume you'll remember things or have people you can ask. If you've passed #3 above then part of your duties as a guest are to know what when and where. This means that if you're wondering about a registry, you damn well better have searched your gmail archive, checked the invitation and read the website and found none of that info on any of those before you shoot of an email, a phone call or a "Hey John, when's the...."


Have I missed any?