Loneliness: The Single and Double of It

(The necessary disclaimer: Z and I are fine. This is not some undertoned cry for help in our marriage. This is just a discussion of how things are sometimes. I have actually felt lonely approximately zero times this week!)

A single friend asked recently about whether I'm ever lonely as a married person. It's a good question. Loneliness is a touchy subject, and loneliness in marriage is a little bit of a hush hush, hence the disclaimer above.

I think the loneliness of being single is a more public loneliness because it is a more acceptable loneliness. People are less uncomfortable in single loneliness b/c we can all look at the situation and offer a solution. Someday we assume that person won't be single, and the loneliness will be solved. It's a problem with a perceived some-day solution. The loneliness while tough, is not forever.

Rules for (Attending or Helping at) a Wedding

I love weddings, but that is another post. This weekend my sister got married and we worked hard and played hard. It was spectacular and delicious and everything you want on a day about love. But it got me thinking about my opinions on weddings. These rules say, "You," but really I mean, "Me." And I will read them before our next wedding next week and hopefully I will be a better guest and bridesmaid in the future.

1. Give the opinion of which you were asked.
If your sister asks you, "How does this (particular) dahlia look?" it is fine to say, "That color looks strange. Let's try another." It is not OK to say, "Aren't you going to put lilies in it?" It's reeeeeally hard to do, but try and have the answer match what is actually being asked. People have a hard time admitting that they want creative control of their wedding but most people honestly do. And very few things look bad enough to ruin a wedding so if it's what the person wants, just say it looks fine. B/c it probably does and the thing your feeling is based on a personal preference not a fact of ugly vs not ugly. Or at least offer suggestions based on what they are ASKING for. A question about a dahlia is not an invitation to critique the entire direction of a bouquet.

(Also side note: Please don't ask me about flowers b/c I have no opinion. I have an opinion on many many many many many many things. Just not flowers. But if you do ask me, I will try very hard to muster *something* helpful. There just may be a lot of blinking between the question and the response.)

2. Don't invite guests.
This should be self explanatory. And might I say obvious. But. If the envelope says you plus one, bring a plus one. (Or don't.) If it just says you, just bring you. If it just says you and your partner, don't bring your three children. If you can't afford a babysitter or can't find someone to do it, you can't actually afford to go to the wedding. You can ask about a clarification before you RSVP but don't just RSVP for whoever you feel like. Just don't. Assume that the sendee understands the envelope rule and so you abide by the envelope rule.

3. Only come if you want to come.
This also seems like it should be obvious, but people feel some weird obligation about attending weddings. Weddings should just be renamed to Obligations. It goes both ways but if you don't actually want to go to a wedding, don't go. Don't go. Send them a nice fat check that's a third of the plane fair you would have spent. A couple won't be offended if you say you can't come. It's more insulting to have you come and be dower.

(*Note: This "not wanting to go" doesn't include the small annoyance all of us sometimes feel about attending an event. This is like the deep seated not wanting to go.)

Dream Scape

I have been battling with illness the past three days. Originally I thought it was from a night of overenthusiastic dancing but now on day three I'm realizing, no, germs are making their standard rounds through my blood stream. One of the results is a sore throat. The sore throat variety where it feels like someone (probably me) wrapped a golf ball in sand paper and then half swallowed it. Yawning is the worse. Who knew.

But the golf ball of doom is particularly screwing with my sleep. If you read this blog you know I have a super overactive dream life. If I get over or under a certain amount of sleep, I get crazy James Bond dreams. With the golf ball of doom securely lodged, my sleep has been broken up into teeny tiny pieces where during the coarse of the night I'll wake up maybe a 100 times.

The body has adapted.

Goals 2011/2012 Month 1 (of 9)

Goals 2011/2012

Month one down and eight to go. I walked into this entry thinking I'd done a sucky job this past month, but actually I feel good about what I did accomplish and confident that I can get back on track with what I didn't. We should keep lists not to punish ourselves but help us keep direction in a chaotic landscape.

Future Guests?

Goals 2011/2012

Getting back to the roots of this blog, I'm setting up hopefully-doable goals for the next nine months.Year 30 did not start out smoothly and while I'm over the initial drop kick, my feelings about where I should put my energies (or you know, goals) is shifting. So this list may look different in not too long. But a girl needs to start somewhere.

Learning Make-Believe Truths

I brought some work to the local Starbucks this afternoon and the shop is made for group sitting. About half the available seating is made up of long, narrow tables. They work great for Mom groups and police officer get togethers but they are a little weird for strangers perched next to one another. Today I was seated just kitty corner to a 7(?) year old girl and her grandmother. The young girl had as a snack a wedge of the blueberry coffee cake. And I couldn't help but notice how she ate it. Loudly. With open mouth smacks while talking. Out of the corner of my eye I could almost feel the fistful of cake go in and then half of it falling back out again.

Now I am not perfect when it comes to eating food and talking. Within the last half an hour I have proven myself quiet inept in such food/talking logistics but it got me thinking about the complexities of dealing with children. As a stranger, I kept waiting for her grandmother to tell her gently that it was, well, really gross to eat like that. (More like, "It isn't polite to eat with your mouth open.") They were both clearly well groomed women. This young girl is going to join a sorority some day and be part of Young Business Leaders of America. Wouldn't she just figure it out on her own? Or is it someone's responsibility to tell a child when they are or aren't fitting into the society's modes of acceptable? Or should parents just let their kids grow up without constraining them to all these socially-structured rules?

Glitter

Portraits of Collections Past Present

Hey remember when this as half photo blog half thought rambles?! Photos are back! (But only kind of :)

Importance of Sleep

Z surprised me with a weekend in San Fran for my birthday. We emerged from the plane in Oakland and all the Oregonians let out a gasp at the 65 degrees and sunshine. Z and I actually had to buy sunscreen day II so that we wouldn't come back lobster style.

Part of his unofficial itinerary was a Planning Morning where I would hang out in the hotel room journal in hand and Figure Shit Out. (While he got champagne and bread for brunch.) I no longer do New Years resolutions. Not really. Any major resolutioning I do happens mid to late Februaries. This gets me out of the New Years malaise but throws me double into the birthday malaise. And this one could be a lot of malaise. This year it's 30.

Sitting down with a journal and 30 years to come to terms with wasn't a historical re-visitation. It was more of a lesson in perspective. Every day we are breathing we are learning more about ourselves. Whether or not we recognize it and log it is a totally separate issue but every day we bump into good and we bump into bad and we react emotionally to those experiences.

Family Matters

At some point in college or quickly thereafter, the way my family communicates stopped working for me. I've known this on an emotional level but never on a level where I could put terms and definitions to it. And even in its unpleasantness we could interact fairly well. We work together. I lived with them for almost a year after moving back from Portland. Holidays are pretty OK. But I still feel it. I'm exhausted in my childhood home. In family gatherings I feel like I am speaking a language that all of my friends understand completely but these people who raised me can't.

2011

A new year. Get ready set go. Z and I spent the New Year at the beach, and on the lovely drive we began talking resolutions. I do most of mine on my birthday, but New Years is still a good excuse to add one or two and reflect on the ones I've already got cooking. I listed off all of mine and then when I asked Z for his he gave me two. "And that's what I think I can do," he said, and he was finished. This is a wonderful example of how we operate differently. I throw a net out and see what I catch. He focuses his spear on one fish, eyes it, calculates and throws.