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At some point in college or quickly thereafter, the way my family communicates stopped working for me. I've known this on an emotional level but never on a level where I could put terms and definitions to it. And even in its unpleasantness we could interact fairly well. We work together. I lived with them for almost a year after moving back from Portland. Holidays are pretty OK. But I still feel it. I'm exhausted in my childhood home. In family gatherings I feel like I am speaking a language that all of my friends understand completely but these people who raised me can't.
To put it simply, the wedding planning process with my Mom was a disaster. It was a disaster for her. It was a disaster for me. Hopefully some day she forgives me for that. I think I'm pretty close to forgiving her. But now that I've had a few months between me and it, I'm starting to see patterns emerge from the planning process that echo negative patterns from before the planning process. I am starting to understand the structural issues of WHY the process was so horrible and it's b/c of what I said at the beginning: the way my family communicates nolonger works for me.
Armed with this knowledge comes a big Now What? I think I need to ask my Mom to change, and I am going to try and change with her. Currently I react to these communication differences with snippy comments (a Powers classic) and retreat. Maybe if I can define the family behavior, I can come up with a plan for how to interact with it that is more positive. For example, one way my Mom and Sister show something is unresolved is they will make a fairly mean comment and mask it with laughter. Generally they throw these love bombs in front of a group of people they all know but several strangers to me. My reaction has been to say something mean back. Instead (and Z offered this suggestion and I think it's a great one,) I should say evenly, "I don't find that funny. It actually hurts my feelings." Hard to say? Totally. It feels oddly earnest and it's actually a very vulnerable statement. But it's straightforward (no passive aggression), and 100% it's true. Both things I strive to be in my communication.
We'll see how it goes because the other option is to say nothing and watch our relationship slowly disintegrate. Not large holes but the kind that have steady weakening. Nothing ever tears but you can sense the cloth is nolonger bound as it once was. I owe it to the relationship to try even if I have the full knowledge that the attempt may indeed fail.
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That is quite interesting and good to verbalize. I know that I learned the "skill" of passive aggression from my mother and boy did I sharpen it with ex #1. But I learned from said ex and from you, different styles to communicate more clearly and directly. I think Zach's suggestion is the way to go, but as I recently found w/ ex #2, it doesn't always go as planned. But to me the relationship was worth a try so I forged ahead with vulnerablity...and it failed. I think its very brave of you to start pointing this out and start changing patters. I can't imagine your family not complying. It might be hard at first to "change" cuz it really is but it is worth a try.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to unlearn. So. Hard. But the hardest step of all (as in so many things) is just admitting you do it. Once admission occurs at least a person can start looking around and realizing where it's happening.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, for the important relationships, it's worth the attempt and then gauge the results appropriately. Le Sigh.
Le Hug.
ReplyDelete