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(The necessary disclaimer: Z and I are fine. This is not some undertoned cry for help in our marriage. This is just a discussion of how things are sometimes. I have actually felt lonely approximately zero times this week!)
A single friend asked recently about whether I'm ever lonely as a married person. It's a good question. Loneliness is a touchy subject, and loneliness in marriage is a little bit of a hush hush, hence the disclaimer above.
I think the loneliness of being single is a more public loneliness because it is a more acceptable loneliness. People are less uncomfortable in single loneliness b/c we can all look at the situation and offer a solution. Someday we assume that person won't be single, and the loneliness will be solved. It's a problem with a perceived some-day solution. The loneliness while tough, is not forever.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Rules for (Attending or Helping at) a Wedding
I love weddings, but that is another post. This weekend my sister got married and we worked hard and played hard. It was spectacular and delicious and everything you want on a day about love. But it got me thinking about my opinions on weddings. These rules say, "You," but really I mean, "Me." And I will read them before our next wedding next week and hopefully I will be a better guest and bridesmaid in the future.
1. Give the opinion of which you were asked.
If your sister asks you, "How does this (particular) dahlia look?" it is fine to say, "That color looks strange. Let's try another." It is not OK to say, "Aren't you going to put lilies in it?" It's reeeeeally hard to do, but try and have the answer match what is actually being asked. People have a hard time admitting that they want creative control of their wedding but most people honestly do. And very few things look bad enough to ruin a wedding so if it's what the person wants, just say it looks fine. B/c it probably does and the thing your feeling is based on a personal preference not a fact of ugly vs not ugly. Or at least offer suggestions based on what they are ASKING for. A question about a dahlia is not an invitation to critique the entire direction of a bouquet.
(Also side note: Please don't ask me about flowers b/c I have no opinion. I have an opinion on many many many many many many things. Just not flowers. But if you do ask me, I will try very hard to muster *something* helpful. There just may be a lot of blinking between the question and the response.)
2. Don't invite guests.
This should be self explanatory. And might I say obvious. But. If the envelope says you plus one, bring a plus one. (Or don't.) If it just says you, just bring you. If it just says you and your partner, don't bring your three children. If you can't afford a babysitter or can't find someone to do it, you can't actually afford to go to the wedding. You can ask about a clarification before you RSVP but don't just RSVP for whoever you feel like. Just don't. Assume that the sendee understands the envelope rule and so you abide by the envelope rule.
3. Only come if you want to come.
This also seems like it should be obvious, but people feel some weird obligation about attending weddings. Weddings should just be renamed to Obligations. It goes both ways but if you don't actually want to go to a wedding, don't go. Don't go. Send them a nice fat check that's a third of the plane fair you would have spent. A couple won't be offended if you say you can't come. It's more insulting to have you come and be dower.
(*Note: This "not wanting to go" doesn't include the small annoyance all of us sometimes feel about attending an event. This is like the deep seated not wanting to go.)
1. Give the opinion of which you were asked.
If your sister asks you, "How does this (particular) dahlia look?" it is fine to say, "That color looks strange. Let's try another." It is not OK to say, "Aren't you going to put lilies in it?" It's reeeeeally hard to do, but try and have the answer match what is actually being asked. People have a hard time admitting that they want creative control of their wedding but most people honestly do. And very few things look bad enough to ruin a wedding so if it's what the person wants, just say it looks fine. B/c it probably does and the thing your feeling is based on a personal preference not a fact of ugly vs not ugly. Or at least offer suggestions based on what they are ASKING for. A question about a dahlia is not an invitation to critique the entire direction of a bouquet.
(Also side note: Please don't ask me about flowers b/c I have no opinion. I have an opinion on many many many many many many things. Just not flowers. But if you do ask me, I will try very hard to muster *something* helpful. There just may be a lot of blinking between the question and the response.)
2. Don't invite guests.
This should be self explanatory. And might I say obvious. But. If the envelope says you plus one, bring a plus one. (Or don't.) If it just says you, just bring you. If it just says you and your partner, don't bring your three children. If you can't afford a babysitter or can't find someone to do it, you can't actually afford to go to the wedding. You can ask about a clarification before you RSVP but don't just RSVP for whoever you feel like. Just don't. Assume that the sendee understands the envelope rule and so you abide by the envelope rule.
3. Only come if you want to come.
This also seems like it should be obvious, but people feel some weird obligation about attending weddings. Weddings should just be renamed to Obligations. It goes both ways but if you don't actually want to go to a wedding, don't go. Don't go. Send them a nice fat check that's a third of the plane fair you would have spent. A couple won't be offended if you say you can't come. It's more insulting to have you come and be dower.
(*Note: This "not wanting to go" doesn't include the small annoyance all of us sometimes feel about attending an event. This is like the deep seated not wanting to go.)
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