Loneliness: The Single and Double of It

(The necessary disclaimer: Z and I are fine. This is not some undertoned cry for help in our marriage. This is just a discussion of how things are sometimes. I have actually felt lonely approximately zero times this week!)

A single friend asked recently about whether I'm ever lonely as a married person. It's a good question. Loneliness is a touchy subject, and loneliness in marriage is a little bit of a hush hush, hence the disclaimer above.

I think the loneliness of being single is a more public loneliness because it is a more acceptable loneliness. People are less uncomfortable in single loneliness b/c we can all look at the situation and offer a solution. Someday we assume that person won't be single, and the loneliness will be solved. It's a problem with a perceived some-day solution. The loneliness while tough, is not forever.

Loneliness in marriage is a private loneliness because I think it is much less acceptable. Marriage loneliness makes third parties suddenly call up words of divorce and separation even if they don't say it out loud. It makes people uncomfortable. As a married person I feel an obligation to calm those fears even when simply mentioning the topic as I clearly did before I launched into the post. We marrieds have to assure the world that discussing weaknesses is not the first signs of cracks and instability in the foundations of our marriage. When a single person talks of loneliness the world knows there is a solution. When marrieds talk of loneliness, the world sees another sad statistic. Married loneliness doesn't have a clear solution. At least as not as clear as, "Get married." People will more naturally say, "divorce" as a fix than any of the more complicated solutions. Married loneliness could be forever.

I brought these thoughts up to Z last night and was nervous. Would he be worried that I was thinking about such topics? And of course he wasn't. He found it interesting and loved the initial question our friend asked.

I have been amazed by the wonders of marriage. Every day we wake up together, best friends, husband and wife. It's been freeing and grounding in unimaginable ways. But so much of marriage is very private and there is a danger in privacy. Privacy can make us feel isolated. And yes, there are times when it's lonely. A deep plunging loneliness where the person you have worked hardest for doesn't understand you. It can be two minutes. It can be a day, but it feels like a lifetime. And those times make me realize how some marriages do end b/c I can't imagine feeling that kind of loneliness for a month, a decade, 30 years. It makes me realize how fragile marriage can be and how it's worth trudging back into the room to try and explain yourself and understand the situation better. And that's why so far almost every time I've felt lonely in our marriage, I've come out the other side feeling stronger and more connected.

So single people, your feelings of loneliness will not go away completely when you find someone.  It's better I think. But it still happens. And to both marries and singles, loneliness in marriage isn't necessarily a sweeping ultimatum on the state of that marriage. It may just mean that this week really sucks.