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One thing I love about language is how it is often used so inefficiently. My family, including me, has mastered this skill. Years of practice to say absolutely nothing. Z doesn't communicate this way so it's been in his reflection I am starting to see the way I communicate everywhere. It's like a linguistic treasure hunt. Unexpected delights around every corner.
I saw a great example in a comments section of some ask/answer site. Someone posted a question and one of the responses was clearly hastily typed. Bad punctuation. Sloppy spelling. Not uncommon, right. But what I found really interesting is that the person gave a short answer and then wrote, "Sorry, that's all the room my brain has for [on this] subject. We're too busy for anything else."
I find it really interesting how people feel they need to give a reason for their brevity. An excuse. I do it unnecessarily in emails all the time, "Back to work!" or "Z and I are about to leave. Gotta go." It's not like a phone conversation where it'd be rude to just hang up without an explanation of sorts. It's an email. You know the person has finished b/c the words end.
It is possible the users of this forum have an established community and an expectation of everyone giving answers. But otherwise it's not like the person HAD to write something. Whatever it is they choose to write (or don't) is enough by the simple fact they are writing anything at all. Yet the person still felt they had to give an excuse.
Z often says to me in my writing, if you have to apologize for something don't do it. I use to apologize to him for my emails being too long*. He'd ask why I was apologizing. If I thought my email was too long, I should make it shorter. Or if I know I'm going to write a long email anyway, take out the apology. ("I'm sorry for punching you in the face, yet here, let me punch you in the face again." Either don't apologize for the face punching or stop punching.) This stuff happens everywhere in written communications. I love it!
*I still apologize to people for my emails being too long.
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Yeah, I've realized that I apologize for a lot of things as well and I decided I had to think long and hard as to whether the trait (long emails, not understanding computers, my love for Glee) was worth getting rid of or just omitting the apology. But I love Glee too much so I won't apologize for it. I am who I am, love it or not. But you are right. It's seems almost mean to say "do it or don't" because it feels like you're almost not considering the other person, or at least not letting them *know* you're considering them...Very interesting.
ReplyDeleteI think the reason for apologizing is to take responsibility and make amends for something you did that you feel you shouldn't have done (b/c it was mean or you were in the wrong or it hurt someone's feelings even if it wasn't intentional, etc).
ReplyDelete"I'm sorry, that was a mean comment." It's about taking ownership of something that has happened. So to apologize for something that you are making happen right at that instant (like, I'm sorry this email I'm sending you is so long) you still have time to fix it. So it's a strange time to apologize...b/c you could change the situation (shorten the email) so that you don't feel you need to put out an apology in the first place.
Again, it's like apologizing for punching someone in the face before you've punched them. You could just choose not to punch them and then you wouldn't need the apology.
Yeah that, like pretty much everything I've heard Mr. Z say, is very logical. But I'm not sure it's that black and white. When you write a long email and then apologize, you're not really saying...I shouldn't have written this long email, I apologize. You're just using a familiar shorthand "sorry" for meaning..."I know this is a long email, I felt I needed a long email to express myself, or at least this is the way it came out and this is who I am, although I know some people don't like to have to read ramblings over cogency. I recognize and admit as valid that you might have some irritation about the matter, but it was still important for me to do it. Sorry for the inconvenience."
ReplyDeleteYes the response could be...well...just be more cogent instead...do your reader a favor. Weeeelllll....yes and no. One's writing doesn't merely transmit information, it also transmits personality (and a whole lot else besides). People like us who are windy in our writing express that we are windy in our thought. Reading how we think, rather than just what we think is, to us feelers, important. How we arrive at a conclusion is as important as the conclusion. (See your 7th grade algebra teacher.)
The next logical response would be...okay, well fine, that's your way of thinking...just don't apologize for it, it's fine. Again...yes and no. I mean, okay, I'm glad to hear I don't have to apologize to you about it, but I'll still probably do it for other people I don't know as well and maybe occasionally to you too because I know you're different from me, I know you prefer cogency...in fact you may even think in straighter lines. So I know it's asking something of you to come with me in my odd ramblings and I think it's polite sometimes to apologize for that.
Then the response might be...I don't think you're really doing it to be polite, I think you're just being insecure. Hmm..maybe...hmm.
Gosh, this turned out to be rather a long comment, sorry about that. ;)
HAHAHAH! Awesome. Both of you are awesome. And I assume, Arthur, that the you is in fact the royal you b/c I'm as windy as the windiest.
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