Face Punch

Two interactions that meant one thing but came off as totally different:

1. After the show on Sunday, I walked up to two theater friends. One is directing an upcoming show at the community theater. Months ago he emailed me and asked if I'd help out his step daughter with the poster for the show. I emailed him back and said yes. Told him to send her my email address and have her get in contact with me. I've heard nothing back. At all. So when I see him on Sunday the first thing he says to me, with a big grin on his face, "So you're working hard on that poster, I see. I see you got back to me right away." Or something similar that directly implied that I had ignored his email and it was somehow my fault for not pursuing HIS project after I put the ball back in HIS court.

A New Sort of Monday

I'm having trouble finding closure to String of Pearls. Maybe it's b/c I don't need any. It very well might be that. Normally I find closure through junk food (check) and a well of sentimentality for the past x amount of time and the people I spent it with. That latter is the one I'm having trouble crossing off. We didn't have a cast party, which just mirrors the whole process for us as actors. We were never really given the opportunities to bond. (And I think we would have been an even tighter group given the chance.) I get the sense that the director has done this so long at this point she doesn't really care about that outside stuff. (Or maybe she just didn't feel it with this particular group of people.)

I also know that I'm a mind jumper. I jump from project to project. It took a lot of self control to not emotionally invest in the next thing before this thing was over. And now that it is, my brain is already strategizing how to get shit done.

But that's why I need the closure. Generally with closure I have the sadness, but I also have this lifting sensation. This lightness that swells and I feel I can accomplish anything. I don't have that this time. I don't have the relief. And maybe that's b/c after the Saturday show my parents told me my paternal Grandmother might be dying, and I'm now taking care of their pets while they head south. Maybe that's why I don't have the lightness. When I really analyze it, it feels unconnected somehow, but maybe I'm not *that* self aware.

I don't know. But I do know that before I completely cross it off, before I completely move on to the next thing, I need to assess the experience in its entirety, and make notes of what I learned for next time. (May there be a next time :)

Holy. F*cking. Hell.

I. Am. Finished.

Onto the next thing. And there are many next things. All the best kind.

Goals: 10 month review

We're creeping up into New Years, and it's hard for me not to jump on the resolution bandwagon. (I LOVE resolutions!) But if I did, it'd be like what I always do, quit 80% of the way through. So I may create some work goals for this 2010 but I've only got two more months to pull through here.

In keeping with last month's reorganization:

Big Goals:
15. write, shoot, edit 1 CCP review for YouTube.
Found the script I started writing a few months back. Cleaned it up a bit and sent it on to Z for review. Next steps are to plan images to go with it, shoot it with Z one weekend and edit it together. I wish my hate of seeing myself on camera was less than the want to be decent on camera. (Does that even make sense?)

Christmas

It's strange to me that we're two days from Christmas. I have been completely removed from the whole thing. This is in largest part due to the fact I'm in a show, and the show is kind of my waking and sleeping (with work, exercise and caffeine thrown in the middle). When I'm not thinking about the show (or washing my hands in order to try and stay healthy for the show), I'm thinking about the next film project or that mammoth in the sky, the wedding. Christmas doesn't even squeak in on the radar. Mostly that's been really good. It's meant that I've had exactly zero stress when it comes to this particular holiday. However, now that we're getting closer the creep is setting in, and I'm having to force back the guilt (not getting presents for people) and the regret (not taking part in any celebratory things...like decorating.) It's just laziness that lets these emotions happen. Our family isn't doing presents officially and I've not turned down one holiday party yet. Funny how something like negativity (in its many forms) can be a habit we acquire and then spend a lifetime trying to un-acquire. Like binge eating. Or picking at bad skin.

And on that note, off to finish the work day.

First Weekend Success

Four days off. Four. Glorious. Days. It's going to be hard to pull this back together on Friday night. We're not having a pick up rehearsal, which means I need to run through my lines at least once a night.

We've had great audiences and have not quiet yet made it through seamless, but we're doing a good job. Some areas are stronger than others. But that's how it goes. Normally I'm just not on stage the entire time to see it.

A few people have said that they've liked this show more than Memory of Water. It made me realize that I liked Memory of Water more b/c I got to play a fantastic character. That I was gauging the play from an acting standpoint. In this show, I don't have the fun characters. (Or the ones that really get the laughs.) As one friend pointed out, I'm the straight man in a lot of my scenes. But that's OK. We don't all get to be the funny person every show. And in this show, the woman who has some of those roles, does such a good job with them I'm not even envious. Weird right?

I'm back!

Hello again! I realize that I need mini goals for each night's performance. They may all be the same goals each night but I need something more relevant than, "Don't fuck up."

My favorite part of the whole play process is, well, the process. It's not the performance. So I need to figure out how to keep the process continuing.

So tonight the goals:
Work on....
-channeling nervous energy into character energy.
-listening to what another character is actually saying and reacting to that. Not what I know they will say. Be in the moment.
-when telling stories, really picture the events as if it were a real memory. B/c for your character it is.

Physical attributes:
Tonight I'm going to try and distinguish different movements between two of my characters. I'm just starting with two. I'll add more movement issues in later once I get these down. Nothing grand but I'm going to try and shift where I hold my weight for these two. I have to be careful not to become a caricature. But just something for me to feel like there is a distinction.

Something to think about for future shows: how I feel about one* of my co-actresses in a particular scene. I know in general, but I should be more specific.

So THESE are the things I'm going to work on tonight. This is where I'll focus my energy when I'm flipping out. Just something to give to my brain and say, "Go work on that." Distraction. But the good kind.

*I'm being a bit vague so I don't feel really really obvious when you see the show. It's like the lingerie issue ..only acting.

I'm sucking down Sucrets

There are different techniques for different stages in a production. At first it's learning your damn lines and figuring out how to connect with your fellow actresses on stage. It's breathing (which yet again I've forgotten to implement into a habit). It's knowing when to pick up a picture. When to take back a chair. But I'm finding there is another level of technique, not more or less advanced, that I need to learn. And that's show technique. The technique of acting in front of an audience b/c if you think about it, we've spent the entire run rehearsing in front of no one accept the crew. That is a very different thing than an audience. It's a different approach maybe no necessarily in what you're doing, but how you feel about what you're doing.

Count Down

Tonight was fun. Fun like it should be. People were on. The mood was good. There was a camaraderie thick in the room. We were in it and we were in it together.

This show has been a slow build. For whatever reasons (and I do have theories) our bonding has been slower. Our sense of freedom on stage has been late blooming. But tonight I felt it. We were lost in our characters. People were trying new things as only people who really know their characters can try. It was refreshing and lovely and about fucking time.

So yes. We have only 2 more rehearsals until we open. Open on a night where the weather is threatening freezing rain. And for the first time I'm really excited to share this with people. Get them in the seats and see where they laugh. See where we can take them. And I'm still not certain it's the best show in the world, but I am certain that I really admire the women I'm sharing the journey with. Really eager to stand in a line with them when the lights come up and play.

LA Story

I didn't hate L.A. Solid endorsement, right? But seriously, the driving wasn't as scary as I imagined. We never went over 70, and we could always find parking. It also poured the last day so maybe our trip as a whole wasn't completely representational. But it was a good experience any way you roll it so I sing a resounding "yay."

Before we left, a friend told me to take lots of pictures. I totally planned to. However, um, I failed you b/c I think I took approximately 10. That's not counting the dozen Zach took trying to figure out the exposure problems of my camera. But we didn't really see a whole lot of *things*. Our destinations were people. So if someone asks, "So what did you see?" I'd reply, "Well, we saw a Peter and Danielle, a Yin, Chaz and their many cool friends, and a Josh and Melissa." We saw some beach. We saw a lot of vegetarian food. We saw little sleep.