Face Punch

Two interactions that meant one thing but came off as totally different:

1. After the show on Sunday, I walked up to two theater friends. One is directing an upcoming show at the community theater. Months ago he emailed me and asked if I'd help out his step daughter with the poster for the show. I emailed him back and said yes. Told him to send her my email address and have her get in contact with me. I've heard nothing back. At all. So when I see him on Sunday the first thing he says to me, with a big grin on his face, "So you're working hard on that poster, I see. I see you got back to me right away." Or something similar that directly implied that I had ignored his email and it was somehow my fault for not pursuing HIS project after I put the ball back in HIS court.


At first I thought it was just confusion and maybe facebook didn't send me his follow up emails. I tried to find the root of the problem but after a few awkward moments of back shuffling I realized that A. This guy, while VERY VERY NICE, when backed into a corner, will lie about sending an email he didn't and B. (And this is the important part) Didn't know how to begin talking to me about this project and his tactic went horribly horribly awry. Because looking back at this interaction it becomes so clear to me that he felt nervous talking to me because he was nervous conversing about something he was asking for help on. He didn't know how to approach the subject. So he went in with what he thought was a joke and instead it came out as an accusation of my honesty. Oops.

2. My mother is down visiting my grandmother at the top of a Marin County hill. I just got off the phone with her and the conversation went like this:
Mom: Grandma says she really misses you. That you're the one kid that visits the least.
Kelly (thinking): She lives a fucking 500 mile drive from here. I'm not exactly rolling in dough and vacation time.
Kelly (says): (nothing)
Mom (somewhat chuckling): I didn't tell her it was because you don't succumb to Blood Money guilt. (A term I coined for money grandma sends after Grandma sent my Mother a birthday check and my Mom never cashed it b/c it was, Blood Money. Money with guilt strings.)
Kelly (now really frustrated due to back story*): I don't have the time or the money to get down there.
Mom (now in a really sad voice, now oozing with self guilt): I wish we could somehow make that happen for you.

There were so many points missed here it might as well have been a blind firing squad practicing from a trampoline.

Let's review the translation issues:
A. Grandma loves her grand kids and would like to see them more. Instead of saying that people don't visit her enough (you know, 500 miles away on top of a hill), she should say something else. And maybe call once in awhile.

B. Mom is trying to convey Grandma's desire to see us more. If she's doing it b/c she wants me to know that Grandma really loves me, she needs to reframe her words. If she's saying that she thinks I should get down there more (maybe even a valid point), a whole other tactic is needed.

*Backstory: The last time my Mother was down there, Grandma said something about how I don't visit enough. Mom tells her (tells Grandma) that it's b/c I'm the one person in the family that won''t put up with my Uncle's bullshit. Mom said that in my defense but unfortunately she got the story wrong. Mom doesn't like my uncle (her brother's) bullshit. And with good reason. He's kind of an ass to her. But to me? He's never been anything but really really nice. Strangely nice. And I've never said anything differently than that in conversations with my Mom. (Although I agree with her that he's an ass to her.) The reason I don't go down there is b/c again, FIVE HUNDRED MILES to hang out with a woman that gives my mother migraines every time she returns from a trip. She means well but. But. So not only did Mom lie to Grandma - b/c she thought it would help my case- she told her something untrue and that untruth probably got back to my Uncle. Which is horrible. And makes me a horribly ungrateful human being in my Uncle's eyes at this point. And there was no way in the end for me to address the problem b/c what am I going to say, "Hey Uncle G, Did Grandma say I don't come down here b/c I won't put up with your bullshit? B/c, yeah, that's not true."

AH!