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I am a holder-on to things. And at some point in my life those things began holding on to me. Each consecutive move has been more boxes and more ridiculousness. More embarrassment. That's not who I want to be anymore. I don't want to be held down by stuff. I'm not yet to the point in my life where I'm stationary and can support such weight.
So this weekend I began the largest closet clean of my life. Half of my history is now firmly inside plastic bags set for Goodwill. They are stacked haphazardly in the hall. Last night I went through one more time and saved a few items but mostly I just folded them and said goodbye.
It's a strange process. They are just pieces of fabric, I know, but it's hard not to let them represent so much more. Each item was purchased (or gifted) at a moment in my life. Those moments were each filled with regret and hope. Victories and fails. It is hard not to fall too hard down memory lane. I feel a bit as if I'm ripping whoever I thought I'd be at those particular moments out of my present and my future. Sunday as I threw them across the room into bins I truly felt like I was letting down the present self I never quite became.
"Wait," you say, "she's talking about clothes, right?" So dramatic. But a closet says a lot about us. A lot. I didn't realize how loudly mine spoke. With each item I whispered "doesn't fit," "not brave enough," "looks bad on me." An afternoon full of judgment. I still have the teal weekend hoody, but I'm tossing those shirts with lovely but uncomfortable sequins.
Sunday I truly felt defeated by this closet purge. But then last night, with a calmer head, I went through again and reevaluated the Sunday decisions, and I was surprised to find that I mostly agreed. It's as if all it took was the inital removal and they lost their power. (Yes we are still talking about clothing.)
Life is too short for heartache, most importantly, the kind of our own devising. It's silly to hold onto something that makes us feel bad (not brave enough, not thin enough.) We would never surround ourselves with boyfriends or friends that told us such things, so why hold on to a closet that says that same.
It will be a long time until I'm not a holder-on to things. But tonight when we donate 5 large plastic bags to Goodwill, I will feel lighter. Like a tether has been released and balloons can float skyward.
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Wow, great posts.
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad you went back to look through things, I think that's an important process of letting go and the fact that you agreed with most of your decision, says volumes.
I'm proud.
Now if only I was goodwill... ;)
I love this post. In church this week, the sermon pointed out how what start out as "new shoes" just end up being our "old shoes" in a few months, and how we just cannot desire material goods after we own them; the desiring fades, so we desire something else. I think taking the next deep leap, to our attachments to the MEANING behind the material goods... really awesome food for thought here. And what psychic cleansing can be had when we let go of those negative feelings, or feelings that somehow hold us back from being in the now! Lovely.
ReplyDeleteThat is really interesting. It's so weird that crap can have meaning but it really really does. And a lot of it is so subconscious. As much as it frustrates me to no end tripping over all my junk (and ironically I CANNOT live with people as or more messy than me) I must find some sort of comfort in it too.
ReplyDeleteAny which way, I have to say that I LOVE seeing space in my closet. Cleansing indeed.
I did this too last week. Removed 140 pounds of stuff from my apartment. That's almost a whole nother me. There's plenty more that should go, but I imagine the weight-bearing beams of the apartment building waking up the next morning and going...ah...that feels a bit better than usual.
ReplyDeleteHa! And :)
ReplyDelete