YMCA.2

3. Today's gym trip had a different theme: women. I tried to make eye contact with a thin young woman in the weight room. My timing was off and sometimes when this happens I start to worry they think I'm kind of crazy. "Why does that sweaty woman with the giant head keep SMILING at me?!" So the thin woman started to do leg lifts on a machine. She wrapped a padded cuff around her ankle, hooked it to a lower weight pully and began extending it out behind her. An older man comes in and after being in the weight room for a few moments, goes to the pully directly in her leg's path. There is an ENTIRE weight room full of empty machines and he goes right to where he will encumber her workout. I just sort of stare at him and I can see she's not sure what to do. Finally our eyes meet, I smile, give her a "come on guy" look. I get a silent laugh back.

I've never seen a man's spot get taken like that. Oh weight room. Oh oblivious older men.

4. On my way out I pass through the basketball gym brimming with children. Children everywhere. I have to almost step over a group of three. A boy has a girl pinned down on her back and is tickling her with his left hand. His right hand is placed directly down on her chest where if she had any, her boobs would be. She's laughing like crazy. Another boy leans over. These kids can't be more than 6? (I'm terrible at ages.) I can feel my brain clinking through my reactions. Something about the scene is both joyful but also uneasy. I start to wonder why the boy has pinned her? Is it out of pure childhood play or something he's seen on television?

I decide I won't come to any conclusions and leave the thought and the children behind.

YMCA

On good weeks, I hit the local YMCA about 3 times. I'm part of the mid day crowd. The lady manning the front desk now knows my name.

For me the Y is one of the few opportunities I have to interact with people. And by interacting I mean standing in close proximity sweating and saying absolutely nothing. I'm smiley with the few women and avoid eye contact at all costs with the men.

The following are some small events. None of them related but all interesting to me for some reason.

1. On Monday as I was gathering my things two heavy women in their 40s came into the weight room in street clothes and aged teeth. Woman A was telling Woman B that John had lost his job and they only had two more weeks of pay. Woman B nodded in a way that she knew all too well the reality of what her friend was saying. I headed toward the car once again really thankful for my own job...at present safe.

2. On the trip home I gave in to cravings and stopped by the Dairy Mart. Since abandoning caffeine (I MISS YOU!) my stops here are less frequent. I didn't recognize the clerks. I hope the ones I know's jobs are OK. As I was paying the woman behind the counter commented on my shirt. It's my Going to See the Elephant shirt and I mentioned that while it's from a play, many people think it's from the zoo. She said her children had just been to the zoo. I said that the last time I'd been to the zoo was in school too. She replied that it wasn't through school but through their foster Mom. She continued to tell me that two of her three children were in foster care but that she saw them regularly. I think the foster care kids even got to go to Disneyland. This made me realize that I know little to nothing about the foster care system. I also have preconceived notions about how people feel about foster care and was surprised at the ease in which she told me this very private information. Maybe it means I have a trusting face. I'd like to think so. Maybe she just needed someone to share a happy experience her children had had. Either way, it made me uncomfortable, but I'm glad I got to hear her story.

This got long. I'll post the rest later.

The Yearly Reminder

Here's what I know.

I'm 28 (starting today.) I'm 5'7" and around 160lbs. I'm in love.

I feel young but also old. It's a strange suspension between two worlds. I don't drive the mini-van nor wear the capri pants with collared shirts yet I can no longer shop inconspicuously at Forever 21.

I can tell that 50 year olds look at me as if I'm beaming with possibilities yet my skin has changed. It has lost that glow of childhood.

On days when my head is calm, I feel at peace with my life at present. I have a job that affords me a living and a life. Also, an added bonus is actually liking the work. I am close to family during a time now when I can actually appreciate them especially while they are still capable. And while I have bad habits of messiness and filling every minute of my time with either guilt or projects, I am able to pursue the art that I now realize is an integral part of my happiness.

There are small things too:
I know that I don't like whisky. I know to trust my gut feelings about people. I know I start feeling good about my body at 153.5. I know Golden Fluids are better for me than cheap craft paints. I know I can sometimes give good advice. I know I love acting. I know I don't like karaoke.

That is what I know. The list for what I don't know is long and wrought with knots.

So here is to a new year of ideas, daydreams, and hopefully some answers. To the first of many.