Sewing a Family History

So we got back this afternoon. After 3 days in supposed crime ridden Oakland, we came back to the stereo stolen out of our car parked in N Portland near the Max. Mostly it's just an annoyance. They'll be disappointed at its retail price. I'd like to think that all the taco bell cups I had strewn about the car made their process more difficult. Zach and I kept looking at the hole hoping it'd tell us the time. (It didn't.) The whole thing has provided a lot of jokes. I'd like to use the newly realized space for an in car fish tank. Terrible idea or pure genius. You decide.

Four days with an assortment of family left my limbs feeling like loose buttons hanging off an old sweater. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe I hoped of a repeat of the incredible experience Z and I felt at my maternal grandfather's memorial service. We discovered a family we never knew we had. I hoped for a similar story here with these cousins, but something about 30 plus members of our truly extended family shoved into my grandparents home was less than conducive to how I connect with people. So yeah. Fail. I spent most of the 5 hours making surface chit chat and being recognized by people whose names I could barely place. The only hiding spot was our single rental car. I watched as other cousins bonded and my sister had a great time interacting with her favorite uncles while I was nothing but awkward. The uncle I interacted with the most just proved that I officially don't like him. Officially. Again.

Buttons hanging off for dear life.

Happiness is this kind of weekend

For the first time in my life, I feel like I actually directed. The act of directing. I've never felt that before, and it was only possible b/c I had a crew. I had people I felt comfortable relying on. We all knew our jobs and so when something particular needed to be done within a certain realm, whosever it was just took it on w/o question b/c they knew it fell into their domain.

I use to be afriad to ask people to do a very particular job. I was worried I'd hurt feelings or come across as self important. ("Why don't you just do that yourself Kelly? Or do you think you're too important to remember what time this shot is suppose to be finished?!") Now I realize that in a groupwhere everyone has a clear line of their job, a day can run totally smoothly. Amazing. I never felt the need to apologize or explain. Everyone just worked. Problem solved. They picked up a task w/o question as soon as they realized it fell within their role. Each and every one of them. Amazing.

Sun

At some point last night the fog lifted. I don't know if it was when Z and I stepped in front of a friend's FCP class at the local college or later walking out of Taco Bell with comfort food. I don't know, but the thick anxiety that has been making house in my brain finally left for greener pastures. It threatened to return for a moment this morning but for the most part I have been free to battle the complexities of preparation w/o also having to battle myself.

A new kind of goal list

So here I am, standing before my 29th year. Twenty. Nine. Holy mother of wow.

I'll get to an assessment of 28 here in a few days but first I wanted to put in some thought on this next year's goals. Twenty-eight seemed like a year of trying to get shit done. Cooking. Video projects. Music. Cards. All were activities. I kept weight off the list, and I kept most internal working off of it too. Twenty-nine may be a different tune.

The Sting of Reality

Today I had some things explained to me. Scary things. Things about money and life and decisions. Sometimes life is the running as fast as you can toward a cliff and then at some point closing your eyes and hoping, praying that your body will do its best at this great leap. We take so many great leaps...and they often aren't the ones we think they are. Moving in with Z was not a great leap. Marrying Z isn't one either. I am gliding merrily with my eyes open and creased with smile lines. No leaping involved. Music, however, is one for me. Asking people to help me create something like a short film is one too. However, currently, I am standing at the sidelines watching my parents take a deep breath before they begin to build up speed. Sometimes living is scary. Money. Life. And decisions. Theirs make mine look so effortless. As if I am out for a summer stroll.