Dinner

Here's the problem with being lazy. You distract yourself eating grapes during the 3:30 you decide it should take the matzo ball soup to heat in the microwave. You stick your finger in and make sure it's warm enough. Then you carefully carry the whole thing down a flight of stairs, out a few doors, in a few doors and you make it safely to your office where you will partake in the dinner ritual. But when you take your first sip, you discover a lukewarm temperature. Lame. But what's more lame? Walking back through those doors, up those stairs and then distracting yourself with something else long enough to get it to cook the right time. So instead you write this. And lukewarm becomes down right chilly and dinner is served.

The difference a day (or 3) make

It's funny how events can turn in just a matter of days. (Oh nothing ominous btw.)

So for those of you who don't know, I dabble in music writing. I'm a perpetual beginner in guitar. At some point I'll probably be able to call myself a vocalist (although you'll never witness it at karaoke) and well, I write a lot of bad lyrics. And have for as long as I can remember.

Goal number 5 on my 28th year is to write a song complete with lyrics and notes. Ideally I'd take one of those completed songs and make a music video, but I'm getting ahead of myself in this story.

For a long time, music has been something I've held extremely close. I didn't share at all. Many forms of art I am happy to share with an inner circle. Story ideas. Film ideas. Installation art ideas. Craft ideas. Card ideas. But nothing about music. You'd hear me sing way before you'd hear something I wrote. Until this last week, I could count on two fingers the number of people who have heard my own lyrical/musical work.

But this is slowly changing. Or rather quickly it's changing. It's amazing how a small turn of events and really the mythical being in the right place at the right time can change things. Again, nothing momentous in the grand scheme of things, but to me, wholly a big deal.

Tomorrow at around 7:30 pm, for the first time in my life I am going to be collaborating face to face with someone on a song that I wrote. Monday this #5 was a far flung goal probably to be extricated from the list. Today it is turning quickly into something that will most likely happen.

The term adventure has been high jacked by global backpacking treks, extreme sports, and anything involving a gun. I think that's a shame. Because the adventure I've felt this last week- sharing a part of me I normally hide and jumping headlong into something that is completely unknown- that's exactly the kind of adventure I want in my life.

(OK all of that said, it'll be awhile until you hear anything :)

Z Vision

A friend recently reminded me of the term, "Sunday Blues." Maybe last night was just that. Sunday. Your week is about to begin.

But then I went on a jog (Oooo.K., a walk) with Z, and I talked to him about the goals list. The one that got me most frustrated was the $1500 toward school loans. And he's really excellent at pointing out what should be the obvious, but totally isn't until it's just stated. The conversation went like this:
"I feel like all my money should go to wedding stuff and I'm not sure about the money goals."
"Well what are they?"
"One is paying $1500 to loans."
"And you don't think you can do that."
"Well right now I pay $100 a month and that's great but I don't feel like I can do a whole lot more."
"Does the $100 a month count toward the $1500?"
"Yeah."
"Then you'll have $1200 by February. That's only $300 below your goal. You could use your Christmas bonus easily for this."
Suddenly the math made sense. "Or like $50 extra a few months."
"You can totally meet that one."

Today my Mom slapped down a chunk of change for when I house sat a few months back. Z pointed at it and said, "This could go to that $1500."

And wallah. I have no idea where I got this idea that I couldn't meet the $1500 goal. Because I can. Easily.

Sometimes he makes things so incredibly clear.

Goals (5 month review)

Wow. So next month it'll be six months. *sigh*

(Warning: typos abound.)

1. Pay $1500 in school loans-
July- Now I'm at the $500 mark. That said I'm basically staying on a budget and everything else is going into a wedding. OK, not true, but maybe should be true.
June- I think I'm at the $400 mark. Waaay behind schedule. This isn't going to happen. I'll get about $1000 tops. Should I cross it off completely or just keep admitting failure?

2. Create at least $500 cushion in bank account
July- I have like a whopping $1000 in my bank acct. But this is b/c Paypal charged me a bunch of money to pay Zach and so he declined the payment. I now owe him oooh, $1000 for rent and plane tickets.
June-It's not in my bank account but it's in checks I've written to myself. (They pull it out of the account and send you the check.) Although, I'm going to Portland this weekend and might cave and cash one.

3. Attain 2 octave singing scale
July- Being sick has decimated singing. I got over June's head cold from hell. Now I've got something else. Gah.
June-Singing is going reeeally well. Accept the current head cold from hell, I've been making a ton of progress. I love Jazz. I can't express this enough. Current songs:
Black Coffee
God Bless the Child
Angel Eyes
Just starting: After Your Gone

4. (I'm cutting this b/c it's been completed.) (Musical audition)

5. Finish writing 1 song with accompaniment. (Guitar and/or piano)-
July- Sent off a song to a local acquaintance. He's an actual musician. He replied and the next move is mine. Needs to set a bit. Hard to work on music when I can't sing.
june-Been working on this. Slow and steady. Getting close on a couple. Close doesn't actually mean close but I'm making progress on a couple. Maybe have found a way to get help.

6. Send 5 birthday cards- ON TIME
July- I'm done with this. Wait, Nikola. Hmmmm.....OK, so I'm almost done with this!
(May 9 change of goal.)
(June 24 change- 5 is enough. Cross the sucker off your list but still try and send people cards.)

7. Send cards for one holiday-
July- Take THAT Halloween. Today I unearthed (and I do mean unearthed) those suckers. Oct 1 I will start writing. Oct 20th I will send them on their merry ways. !!!
June-I've been trying to find the Halloween cards I started last year. They might be gone. This royally sucks b/c they were a lot of work. Also I really liked them. *sigh*

8. Pursue art/design/craft/collage: figure out specifics and how to gauge-
July- I say screw this. I don't know how to gauge.
June-Still unsure of what this means.

9. Get through 5 drafts of 3 shorts total (includes at least 3 people writing comments on each draft.)-
July- no progress anywhere.
June-(These names won't make sense to you probably but are for my records:)
Zach's Taco Shack- Draft 1 complete (3 people have viewed and commented) How can I design a set for this?
Phone Calls- Still rough drafting
Car Faith- Found draft an dam working.
Happy Birthday- rough Draft 1.
Cranes- Story board draft 1 complete.

June:
You're Paranoid short: had 3 people review. This would be filmable. We'd have to mock police lights and find a uniform.

10. Learn Flash
July- After maybe having the book for 3 months I finally returned it to the library. Flash learn'n is on hold.
June-I'm on chapter 8 or 18 or something. I should try and make like Tuesday after frisbee my Flash night.

11. Design and do photoshoot.-
July- This is a winter project.
June-Gathering ideas for this.

12. Direct music video.-
July- My test for the video I discussed below was a total fail. Not sure how to proceed. Or if I should proceed. Or really much of anything.
June-In May I think I decided that I was going to do a Flash animation music video for this but now I think I might try and do something from a song a man here in town wrote. I don't know how to categorize it. It's not pop. It's not folk.

13. Shoot a short.
July: Need to do something more than just write those first drafts.
June: Need to write those drafts first.
May: Need to write those drafts first.


14. Write, create, shoot, edit super short stop motion-
July- This weekend was suppose to be the weekend I did this. It's now been moved to August.
June-Working on this as much as time allows. I'm figuring out today which weekend I can pull aside and finish building and start shooting. This may not be done until August or September.

15. write, shoot, edit 1 CCP review for YouTube. -
July- no progress
June: Drafted a version. Need to redraft the words and begin building the set. Memorize as well I suppose.
May: I've got a quarter of this entire process finished. I watched the video and did artwork. This is on back burner until #16 is over.


16. (Officially finished )Edit CCP vid under craftcat brand.


17. Learn to cook 5 vegan entrees.
July-nada
Cooked two recipes last week. One was excellent. One was not excellent. I need to cook again but probably won't happen until next week.
May: Banana empanadas
June: nothing to add. I've not cooked in a looong time. Although I made some really excellent non vegan sopes recently. Delicious!

18. No bed piles.
July- the bed piles were removed today.
June-The bed piles are back.

19. Learn congressional committee chairs and cabinet members.
July- still trucking. Missing some of the cheat sheets but doing around 3 a week.
June-OK, so instead I'm changing this to read the Cheat Sheet from Daily Beast every day. It's not much, but it's something. Have I mentioned I hate politics?

20. (Removed from list in June)

21. Call/write my Grandmother once a month.
July- Dad sent her the proposal video. That should so count, right?
June- This is sort of verging on fail as well. *sigh*

22. Thank You cards for birthday presents.
July- GAH!!!
June-GAH!

23. (removed from list)

24. (May 9th add) Write rough draft 1 of a feature screenplay.
July: no progress
June: No progress.
May: I've got one in mind and have started outlining in my mind but nothing more than a story plot is committed yet to paper.

Normally this inspires me to get me moving and I can't decide whether this time it's inspiring or annoying. Really I think I need to reassess which of these I actually want to accomplish in the next 7 months and then create some sort of strategy.

Dance Class: Night 1

So Z and I stepped into our first night of ballroom swing. It's not wedding related at all. I was a little hesitant b/c our dance experiences in the past haven't been what you could call stellar. (Also, not for lack of trying on both our parts.)

So Z's Mom got us swing lessons for one holiday or another. (Totally sweet gesture.) And tonight we go. There are 5 pairs, a single man, and the instructor Dave. Age wise there is a younger group and an older group. One married couple, a few unmarrieds and a couple that met in another dance class. Basically our ending assessment of night 1 is that two hours of dance steps is waaaay too much to go through in a night. I'm a follow, so I don't do a whole lot more than follow. But the leads. Wow. It is really a lot to take in. Especially if you don't have experience in any other forms of dance. It's a lot.

That said, Z did smashingly. He may not feel it, but he didn't dance with the other leads so he only has himself to compare himself to. He's some beginner troubles but nothing that can't get better with simple practice. It's kind of exciting. I don't know if we'll ever be a dancing couple, (neither of us really cares to be) but I think if nothing more the class will be a really fun event to go to each week. And then we'll get to practice together around our living room. All and all a huge success from my point of view. It's one of the few times I've taken a class with a guy and been excited to dance with him. It's just so much more fun with him than with any of the other guys.

I'm sorry if my optimism is confusing this morning, but I think this will be great!

What a clusterf**k

The last 2 hours of work has literally been following a single strand through an evil nest of knots.Trying to get it untangled from everything it and all the other strands have created. Meanwhile, part of the knot ball is on fire and a bird is circling above threatening to poop on you.

No that doesn't make sense, but the subject line does. A giant family business clusterf**k.

That's all I got. The other part will be sorted out on the various genre blogs.

Also, from now on we are taking notes at our meetings and Z and I will try not to be jerks when my parents start in on an idea as if it'd never been thought of, and yet, we have years (YEARS) of the exact pending conversation. The memory is one big cruel trick.

Tools of the Trade

Morning

We spent all morning trying to save the 3rd baby hummingbird, which our adolescent male cat managed to not kill. The other siblings died earlier before we had a chance to act. It doesn't matter sometimes how even if you pull the latter around and snuggle in a lid into a high plank and place the baby delicately on a perch can you change the course of a day. Because if a baby can't fly it will fall. And there is only so much you can do when searching inside a giant bush for a teeny tiny nest that may or may not exist there. Some days all you can do is try and then go lock up all the felines, go back into your office, close your door and know that what you did probably mattered zero.

Language of Living

Everything we do has consequence. Some good. Some bad. But really most unseen. I looked in the mirror last night and laughed when I thought that every pound on me is from some choice I made at some point. My body is in many ways an accumulation of my choices. (And I have clearly chosen a lot of cookies over my time.)

I've always felt pretty strongly about some social and political issues. University actually sort of dulled many of those sentiments but my relationship with Zach has reawakened many. He is an activist but not because he's passing out annoying pamphlets or listening to himself talk at parties but because he makes personal choices on a daily level that reflect his personal beliefs. If you ask him about his beliefs he'd be willing to have a conversation with you but he probably won't bring it up. And if you don't look closely, you may never realize that he lives and believes far left of many. 

We've spent the last 3 days filming a food preservation how to DVD. It's not for work. It's something that came to us by way of one of Zach's childhood friends. The information itself is fascinating but the conversations had over long breakfasts and lunches is what gets my mind racing. I feel like a generation has lost a language. Like immigrants who came to America and taught their children ONLY english. The lilt of the mother tongue forever gone. 

I feel like our generation are refugees of the feminist movement and a society that has to put a $ amount to arbitrarily create value. Through this twist of good intention and a bad system we have lost basic and vital information for living. It's almost Newspeak but knowledge. If the word for "hot" is taken away it changes how people think. If we lose the knowledge of how to create the foods we put into our bodies, we lose the power to make choices of what we put in our bodies. 

The things our mothers knew we no longer know. The skills of our grandmothers are lost and there is this quiet desperation to find them again. We want to find those mother tongues.

But we are still caught in the same bind. Learning these skills takes time and committment. I argue not as much as we think (that is something I've been realizing this weekend) but it does take those. And if a family for example wants to take it on it means people spending large amounts of time on it. And I've felt the nasty taste of "homemaker" in my own mouth. The stay at home Mom. What do you do? If you don't make buildings or design cars or play lead guitar in a band or make movies or sell insurance or something that brings in revenue or creating something with cache you are automatically dubbed as all of these negative things. You suddenly don't have anything to bring to the conversation.

But we no longer know how to make the things that clothe our bodies or provide energy to our cells. We rely on giant companies in the middle of countries we can't even locate on a map. We have been told "trust us" and we can do nothing but that because we have lost the physical ability to make another choice. 

On the most basic and important of things we have lost our knowledge on how to live. Yes I can make things in 7 different programs on a computer, but I can't turn a tomato on a bush into something I could eat 4 months from now. And all it takes is tomatoes, a jar, boiling water and lemon. 

There is something off about this. When I'm quiet and just think about it on some not-even-so-deep-level I know there is something wrong with this. And I think it's time to change. 

Canning

Production is exhausting. Even if you're just sitting all day watching a screen. By the time you end you just kind of want to pass out. Maybe it's b/c you're always waiting for something terrible to happen. In our case that's something as minor as a neighbor's dog beginning to bark or a teenager blasting their music from 2 houses down. Any of that can ruin an outdoor shoot.

So today was day two of three. Tomorrow we will film canning of whole fruits and tomatoes.(<---Although I know technically tomato..blah blah blah.) The first day took longer than we expected to set up. It's amazing what a headache grapes can be when trying to mount cameras to a wooden gazebo. Also apparently anything in Portland East is automatically in a jet path, which you all know how Z likes jets. 

But besides my obvious need to complain, it's been really good. H is a natural on camera and really gets it most of the time. She understands what we need from her for technical reasons and she obviously knows her stuff. She does a little over explaining, which I did when I filmed tiny tutorials for YouTube. It's easy to have happen. But she's pretty fantastic. Off camera too. And we're learning a ton. I always assumed making jams was really hard. It's not. Labor intensive yes a bit. And of course it'd take some trial and error of course, but there is something really logical about it. How exciting!

Also the woman we are filming is truly fascinating. The story of H's life is one of reinvention. Here she is at 55 at the top of what is probably her 5th or 6th reinvention. Wife. Mother. Artist. Revolution leader. Coffee shop owner. College drop out. Hitchhiker. She finds herself in the middle of life simply by living it. She lives. She discovers. Things come to an end and she moves to the next. It's liberation to see that in another human being because if she can do it so can you. And so can I.

ENGLISH!

I spent tonight working on the newsletter. You can tell when these things are rushed. (OK so everything is rushed at our company.) But this was really rushed. The kind of rushed where usually bad grammar rots into seems-like-a-spam-robot-wrote-it. And you look at it and think, "What the hell am I suppose to do with this?" I haven't seen the video. It's not one of ours. And this is not something I can make English. At least not English with any sort of content.

And there in lies a major problem with our copy. Words in and of themselves hold no meaning. It's how you combine them that matter. It doesn't matter how many words are placed to a page if the words don't actually say anything then there is no reason for them to be there. We could put an artist's name followed by:
XOXOXOBunniesandslipperswho'sacatIlikepeachpie
Retail Price: $32.95 Sale Price $22.95 Sale ends July 14, 2009

I may try and take the newsletter over before my Mother retires. There may be a lot I'm taking over. But that is for another entry.

Miss

You are what you eat?

Butterfly

Edges

Diamond Lake, or, Mosquito Land

We have few traditions, my family. Besides guilt, the neighborhood Christmas eve party and starting businesses, we don't follow many things year to year. With one more exception: Diamond Lake. We've been going to Diamond Lake forever. We all learned to ride our bikes there. We know the history of the lake. We recall with sadness when the algae blooms made swimming impossible. We all hated when they drained the lake and then filled it with chemicals to kill the invasive Chub. We remember these things b/c they are a part of our history as well.

Zach finally entered that history.

We only stayed for a few days. My parents are up there until Wednesday, but we decided to take what we could and head south for the weekend. It took a lot of self control to not spend the entire time filling him in on all the trips he hadn't been a part of. We did OK.

I only wish we could have been there longer. With fewer bugs. The mosquitoes made us abandon my parents and head back down Mt. Thielson and then hike the hwy 90-minutes on foot back to our cabin. Also tiny gnats destroyed our bike trip around the lake. We tore through clouds of them. Thousands of their little bodies blinding us as we pushed through onto the next cloud.

So fewer bugs. More time. But hopefully this won't be the last time he's out there with us. And it's kind of exciting that he's been folded into one more piece of our family.

Mid Summer

*click to enlarge

He Asked. I Said Yes Please!

I should preface this whole thing because it's part of the story. Zach and I had been fighting all weekend. All. Weekend. And not light fighting. Hard fighting. Fighting that makes us almost call birthday girls and tell them we're not coming. We'd find a well of calm and then later it'd disappear out from under us and we'd be back into it. And thus starts the story of How My Boyfriend Proposed To Me.

Our original plan was to work Friday and then drive up to Portland that night for a birthday celebration. Crash there and drive back Saturday for more work. Sunday Zach suggested we spend the morning working and animating from home and then Sunday afternoon curl up on a couch together and relax. But then Mom wanted to have a get together with Zach's parents at her house in Albany. This weekend was the only time it'd really work. So this now folded into the plan. I really didn't want it super early b/c I just wanted to relax, and luckily Zach's parents weren't available until a 7pm meal time. So the plan was set.

Sunday, we're hanging out on the couch at 5:45 having just finished episode 2 of Miami Vice on Netflix when Zach's Mom calls. He hangs up and says a pipe broke or something in their bathroom remodel and he has to go over there and help. He tells me he'll be back to pick me up at 6:30 to bring me to Albany. That's fine. I fold clothes. I play Tetris. It's kind of nice to be alone. If we didn't have this dinner tonight I would have been asleep by 6pm.

But then he calls and tells me he's running late. And that I should just go ahead without him and he won't be too far behind. I'm pissed and I'm not hiding it. So I say fine and I throw my crap together and pile in the car. And I'm driving down the country road I drive a million times a month and all of a sudden I see a person standing in a driveway with a large sign that's painted "Kelly." It takes my brain a few clicks to realize it's my childhood best friend Jenn. She's wearing biking shorts and a yellow reflector jacket. I pull over and throw her in and she explains that her bike got a flat and that my Mom said I should be by headed to dinner and could give her a ride. I buy it. We drive a wee bit and then I ask her about the sign. "Oh they were painting their house and let me make it." We live in a nice place I think and don't question in further.

So Jenn asks me how I'm doing and I really don't feel like talking. I'm still cranky. I don't really want to get into any of it. And then all of a sudden I see another person with a sign. And my brain is now really confused by this. Why would there be another sign? Am I dreaming? And why is Kate holding the sign? And why does the sign say in the same nice-we-let-you-make-a-sign-house-paint "Will." How much house painting is happening today?!

Ooooooh.

Beat.

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!

I look over and Jenn and she's pulled out a camera and is filming me.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOOOOOOOD.

We grab Kate. We throw her in the car and we keep on going. Somehow, and this is a real testamate to the brain's equalizing abilities, somehow I still think that this is it. Or I just don't quesiton beyond what has already happened. I mean this is the proposal. I know that it is but it still doesn't make sense. We've spent all weekend FIGHTING. Kate is suppose to be camping. Why isn't she camping? And then we round the corner and find George. He's suppose to have flown back to Reno already. But nope. He's there. With a sign. Hopping up and down with a giant "You."

I'm already a couple of "fucks" in by this point. We now have to reorganize the car. We dump everything I'm bringing to my parents in the trunk and pile in George. Is this why Zach vacuumed the car on Saturday? The massive amount of chicken in my mother's refrigerator suddenly makes sense.

"I don't have any more friends, " I say. Kate, Jenn and George look around at each other. "I mean," I say. "Not that should be around."

"I'm camping in the Olympic Peninsula," says Kate.
"And I'm in Reno," says George.

And then we rounded a corner and there is Andrea holding "Marry."

I'm not crying yet...but I will be. And soon. And I get out and I hug her and my brain is still trying to comprehend not the proposal but all these people holding these signs. These are the people who are most important to me and I'm gathering them on a country road in the middle of Summer.

We're about 3/4 mile now and everyone is laughing and talking in the car. I round the final corner and I see my brother and sister-in-law's traveling van and then all these cars.I mean, seriously.

"Who the fuck are all these cars?"

I use the most delicate language. Especially when it's being filmed for Grandpa and Grandma.

And then I see the driveway. There's Zach holding a sign...and behind him are all these people. His Family. My family. Our friends from theater. Friends from college. Friends from family. All these people I really do love. And I drive in. And out pile the Kelly Will You Marry and they line up and Zach hands his Me? to my Mom and gets down on one knee. Behind him four other smaller signs flip up. My choices:

"Yes!" "Sounds Pretty OK." "Sure why not." And the one I chose, "Yes Please."

A ring slipped onto my finger and hugs abound.

And like I said, all that chicken in my Mother's refrigerator finally made sense.

Yes there is video footage. Yes you may at some point see it. It's strange. Zach and I picked out the ring together. I knew this was happening. But the excitement I felt when it was Zach's and my secret (and apparently Andreas not too soon afterwards!) has just grown with the amount of love people have shown. Which is what marriage is all about right? It's people holding signs on a country high way. It's the best damn brownies you've ever tasted. And it's lots of hugging.

That probably didn't make sense...but you know what I mean :)

Pink Flamingo!

Ridges and Valleys

(click to enlarge)

Ridge

Jade

Starting Line